Obituary 2009

While everybody makes New Year resolutions, I always end up writing obituaries. I guess it’s a follow up from the days where at every function I was the designated “vote of thanks giver”.

Oh! that reminds me there was on occasion wherein a lady belonging to one of these feminist groups had come to give us a talk in college. Well after a hard day wherein we lost a cricket match in quite an ungainly fashion, couple it with a May summer day in Goa and add on the most boring monotone in history taking about some feminist movement. And what do you have-well perfect setting for a mid summer sleep. Well as I was lost in reverie, suddenly someone pokes me and tells me that its show time. After brief period of snarling and cursing I gear my self up for my ritual the good old V.O.T. and her’s how I goofed up. The name of the esteemed lady who came to give the talk was –Sabina Martins 4m Bailancho saad and I proposed- (a vote of thanks) to her by addressing her madam Sabina Saad from Bailancho Martins. Funny? Not nearly enough ,right? Let me clarify what the name bailancho saad means- it means women’s crow not the black one, it is like a cocks crow ( just to make myself crystal clear, as in the roosters crow). So effectively I called her –sabina cocks crow. J …..

Lost again where was I? Oh! here. I am a guy who is more at ease in nostalgia then in planning the future. Hence I suck at making resolutions. Well I was wandering again; hence I guess is taking me so long to finally host this post.

This year in my life will fondly be looked back as the year of convictions and sentencing. Wait I know some of my readers do know about some criminal antecedents (kindly note the sample 1 in my last entry of eternal best man part-3, may or may not be considered as an example) of my gang but I mean it in a more metaphorical sense. Convictions= engagement as in the sentence is set, what is awaited is the final sentencing. Sentencing = marriage, why is that has been explained by a myriad of great writers over the years so need not go to great lengths to explain the same.

Out of samples listed down in eternal best man part-3, sample 2-J.D- is convicted (well finally the no stalled @ 17, if any are added now they will be considered annexure). Rest all from 3 to 5 were sentenced J. You might want to know what happened to sample no 1. To say his year was tumultuous would be a gross understatement. I cannot divulge any more details as I have been promised that I will be writing his autobiography some time in the future.

This year was also a year of farewells when we bade goodbye to a lot of legends in my favourite field- sports:

Anil Kumble – biggest match winner for India in my generation (all u Tendulkar fans don’t mind I am fan too) stop squirming. This oak of giant should feel aggrieved and rightly so... for not getting his due.

Saurav Ganguly- My favourite football club is Tottenham Hotspurs and their slogan is – to dream is to dare, nobody epitomized it more than this guy. Thanks dada. For the wonderful memories….

Luis Figo- well he was a royal blagurana @ one point of time.

Leaving sports aside, from work perspective too this was a better year. Anything compared to the horror of 2008 seems to be a joyride.

Coming to the other obsession of India- entertainment, well let’s not gloss over the India TV report as to how voodoo was the reason behind Michael Jackson’s death. For me unlike what many experts might feel post the enormous success of 3 idiots, this year didn’t belong to Aamir Khan. This year belonged to one and only messiah of the masses. Guess……..who???….wrong. This year belongs to the great phenomenal KRK. His blockbuster might have released last year, but this was the year wherein he really stamped his mark as the true mass hero. “ I drink milk from Holland, water from France and tea from China “ have almost attained the Shakespearean proportions. I guess there are less people who know of the bards famous words in hamlet “to be or not be, that is the question” than KRK’s golden word. His highness the KRK is very humane, unlike all these powder puff chocolate boys, or the overtly hollow macho antics of our present heroes. Bigg Boss 3 finally gave an opportunity for this great star to shine brightly in before us.

Speaking of that show I for sure am gonna miss it. Another miss would be the MTv Roadies when I say it I mean, the THE ROADIES not the pathetic caricature which thought brawling on television and using expletives is a surefire formula for TRP success.

This year finally saw the long awaited home coming to Goa of the master dealer America Mumbai ( the initials are the jist, America esp coz I don’t many people have contributed to the growth of alternative industry in Big Sam like our comrade). Was a fun time when he was there as it’s always a roller coaster ride with this guy, provided his stomach is full. Barring that his crankiness equals Chinese torture.

All in all another year where I continued with crown of the eternal best man….

Censorship .. aargh! Has left my blog so saltless.

The Eternal Best Man- Part 3

Well before I continue where I left off. I guess I must make mention of something really interesting. Well I know this is a constant criticism about my writing, that in my case paraphernalia takes precedence over core substance. But still guys, I am writing a blog for myself right? So I am allowed a bit of leeway.

Cool! here it goes then. At the conclusion of my last blog I got a mail from a friend of mine. Well let’s call her London Jamaica Bristol. And these are the following questions she posed to me.

Who is this girl with the chemistry book?..and where is she now? Or perhaps you are going to elaborate in part 3. I do hope you are not about to tell me that she is now married to someone else?

The answer to these questions are as follows.

Name- hmmm I will call her Hubli (kimberley) Mysore

Where- I think Bangalore

Status- affirmative , she is married

Wow Dearie you nailed them all. I had heard about your intuition but have experienced it first hand now.

To continue from my last blog. History (it’s my fav subject besides geography) is defined more by people’s inaction rather than action. Case in point- Hitler and Osama. They would never have been what they are if the super powers of that time, nipped their actions in the bud.

Well my first tryst with romantic engagement was a colossal disaster as in that entire year that I was studying with her (actually she was my senior). I could never open my mouth in front of her literally. On the occasions when I had good fortune of a chance meeting with her, I was just tongue tied, and left with a dewy eyed idiotic expression- something between a smile and surprise. To cut the long story short, the best thing about my crush was that it was over.

The next year of my higher secondary passed of pretty uneventfully.

College days – Here comes the Alexander – Sameer the Great.

Now came the time as I stepped into this whole wide world as the college going man. Don’t really have many things to say that have not been said about college life but ya, those were surely the best days of my life……..

Well they say life is Ying Yang. As good as it was to be in college there is also a massive challenge of being in college for anyone attempting to maintain the sanctimony of the title of the eternal best man.

FYI what makes college life so challenging is its not just about learning and all. College is actually a “Dating Olympics” and unlike a normal Olympics which comes once in 4 years and lasts for a month. This ordeal lasts throughout your college life. What’s worse is you have to participate in each and every event till the time you finally lay your hands on the trophy (I know @ Olympics you win medals, I still go with trophy).

Coming back to my situation in my case the first year was fairly smooth sailing not without hiccoughs. But in all it was ok. Second year was when I faced my true test.

As I was saying this “Dating Olympics” well its tougher than even the Olympics where sadly India struggles to scrape with a medal. Just to illustrate my point I present to you some example of superlative feats my friends had to perform to win their trophies

Sample 1-V.K.- The person had to actually become a full time chaperon , well @ times he was also called treated like one of the specimens of the canine species, the most common of them.

Sample 2^nd -J.D.-Had to master the skills of shoe mending as an expert cobbler (disclaimer: the thoughts echoed here are in no way meant to be derogatory reference towards any particular community, I have highest regards for dignity of labour)

Sample 3^rd -A.F.-Had to master the skill of dangling from a tree. Well its almost like rolling back the years of our evolution from primates.

Sample 4^th- He chose the easiest route by juxtaposing the theory of friendship. To make myself very clear this guy took the exploitation of the most abused word in romantic lingo "friend" to whole different stratosphere....mmmmm control.. i mean level.

Sample 5^th-M.S.K- This takes the cookie or the cake … whatever. He had to actually be saddled with life long shoulder dislocation, courtesy a slap and subsequent fall from the ramparts of the college building. But he has survived to tell the tale that’s what matters, what’s more he has even made the trophy permanent.

P.S Sample no 1's trophy(ringmaster) was also responsible for alteration of my conventional understanding of the word cousin.

All said and done. The oft said proverb “everything is fair in love and war” actually holds true. In my case I had to get a trophy or something to pose with very badly.

Desperate times – Desperate measures, I chose the route of doing my graduation all over again. Upon the suggestion of our then office boy, I chose somebody who would be easy to handle yet allow me to take a break from all events @ the “Dating Olympic.” There’s a price to pay children,to be true to yourself in this world.

Not that it was totally boring it had its moments with assignments.. then there were more assignments, for a good measure there were also projects thrown in. MMMM… not to mention case discussions. Well after a host of all these magical moments, great comments, good grades and lots of revision. The day of reckoning arrived in the form of year end project…well that was that. It passed on without much thoroughfare … that was the best thing about it. I guess.

Here is where I round up the initial journey of this best man. I dunno whether I will ever be able to delve in to the remaining part of this incredible journey.

P.S. so guys if any of you’ll are getting married and need a best man you can avail of that facility by contacting me. My contact details are as follows.

Sameer Phal

H. No. 641/c, Kripadham,

New Vaddem, Vasco, Goa.

+91 9823185281

TERMS & CONDITIONS-

1) Thou shall not consume any alcoholic beverage in any form.

2) Pick up and drop facilities should be arranged

3) No worries (I swear on my unblemished record of heterosexuality) on bridesmaid harassment front. N.B. unless the girl happens to meet my criterion. (details of the same can be provided on due request).

TO BE CONCLUDED

The Eternal Best man- Part 2

The shrill din of criticism for my verbose style is still ringing in
my ears. I don’t want to present any riposte to it as I have been
reminded (and not so gently if I may say so) that the whole point of
writing a blog is to reach out to people, rather than make an
exhibition of my vocabulary. In lieu of these recent developments, I
have taken a stance of tempering my habit of flamboyance with words.
Yet my sincere hope is that even after this, my steak doesn't loose
all its sizzle.
Anybody who knows me, knows that I am a names guy and love naming
names. Well most of you'll also know that geography happens to be my
favourite subject. Hmmm I have decided to put both my penchants
together.
If you guys are wondering why The hell am I doing this. Then let me
tell you guys, its because the tough censorship laws which are binding
my potential shrapnels of thoughts.
Disclaimer-Responsibility of any associations or inferences drawn from
the names of places given to my characters lies solely with the person
imagining the same. I will neither confirm nor refute any claims with
regards to the same.
They say charity begins @ home. So here it is.
Yours truly will be hereinafter be known as Somalia.

My two subjects will be namely Mr. Jamnagar Durham & Mr. Vegas Kota.

Girl buddy -Gujarat.

The lonely P will be hereby known as Poland
And my quarry- Lakshadweep Kolar.

Have I been wandering like one of those lonely tortoises of that
oh! so popular game on FB. What is it called farmville isn't it? hmm.
Come back... lest I melt the effect of my freeze frame.

Hmm where was i, I was in that dimly lit room of incandescent light
alone with L. K. Classic "hum tum ek kamre mein bund ho"
situation. As I was saying I found myself alone with L. K
so what would you expect any mature guy in my situation would do.
I went up to her and looked in her eyes said "no need to say anything
I know what you want to say" and then the done to death sequence.
Ethnically Innovative in its presentation though. A Rose bud bending
over another rose bud,a shoe slipping over another,twittering
fluttering teeny tiny birds pecking each other. As the light dimmed
further I emerged out of shadows with scarlet lips :).

This is what should have a happened right?

But it didn't.

What did happen though was this.

Well as I was saying in that room lonely except for the two of us she said “ Hi Somalia I wanted to talk to you” . Hearing this, my hormones went into an overdrive. Sadly for me it was the adrenaline the fright-flight- fight reflex inducer. The alarm bells inside my not just started to ring they started to explode. And then I ran for my life, guys I am no Usain Bolt but that day on that semi lit narrow staircase I could have taken any body on.

P.S. My lips were scarlet, only I cant remember whether it was the bloody door or the freaking railing which got me.

Well! As they say life is one damned thing after another. The next chapter that I am going to narrate was perhaps happened at the time when I guess I was having first brush with the slippery slope of romance.

Well as I finished school and I entered junior college there was this romantic buzz all around. What with all these rose, chocolate and St. Valentine festivities running rings around you. It was mighty impossible not to get caught in that whirlwind.

One fateful day it happened, like the Italians call it I was hit by a thunderbolt, and fell for it hook–line-sinker. I was carrying a stack of biology journals out of the library and she was with her comprehensive chemistry 1996 revised edition, and I that’s when I saw her. It was like something from an old English movie, where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor, and he turns to his buddy and says, “See that girl? I’ m gonna marry her someday.”

And then at that moment, something happened that changed my life forever, to this I attribute the reason why I was never the same person again……….

Being Eternal Best Man- Part 1

After struggling for so long to come up with something on my blog that was benign and principally concerning me. You have no idea guys, how difficult it was when I had two scrumptious subjects lined up to write about. Of course to my dismay they were shot down immediately by the players themselves. Well i have to just console myself with a concession that I can write about the subjects 20 yrs after they are married.

The eternal best man, wow loved that expression well copyrights of
that are reserved with my friend lets call him P. Ya just P, lonely in
just name. Though I am still a bit confused coz literally, well due to
his charm and wit he has always been lets just say very popular with
the charming sex. But ya he is the sole baron of his manor in literal sense presently.


Coming back to the main topic well I am sometimes guilty of quintessential
''beating around the bush'' syndrome. Okay I do it all the time. Well

Hmmmm how do I begin articulating?

BEST MAN - By definition the principal groomsman at a wedding, one of the foremost prerequisites for it is that the guy in question has to be BACHELOR, that’s how Webster defines this term. Cliché’s ohh! I am the master of cliché’s

Well... I will try my best.I know you guys think it was a cakewalk but F.Y.I it was not so easy.
You have to struggle superlatively to maintain the epithet of the unblemished eternal best man
There are plenty of pitfalls filled with quick sand, which you need to tread carefully. The worst enemies in your pursuit to be the eternal best man are the people whom you cherish the most. Essentially your- friends, teachers, well wishers, family(oh! Yeah) and everybody who rates you highly. Beware of them. They are the axis of evil who will resort to varied kind of subterfuge and chicanery to waver your resolve and lure you away from your endeavour. You have to be extremely cautious when u get invites to any parties, social gatherings weekend getaways and even camps. Discotheques they should be literal no no. My friends, these might look innocuous but they are basically foxy deathtraps designed to trap you in forever, lest you walk in to one.
Various strategies like peer pressure, emotional appealing and last but not the least public mortification are the order of the day for anybody who is an eternal best man.

Ok ok I am wandering again..

Without further ado, Here I present to you the series of my tryst with being the eternal best man.

Let us begin chronologically. It was the spring of 98 the school episode of
my life was coming to an end.
Let me put it in perspective during that series of my life was I was
virtually a misogynist and I didn’t face many challenges to dither me
either.

Until that fateful farewell party and that too almost
at the finale. My best lady friend (who was a buddy in almost guy like
manner) told of that there is somebody has a liking towards me which
of course my above average IQ dismissed as pure lunacy.

As I was wallowing in my somber mood caused by the imminent anguish of parting. Something strange happened. Just as we were about to say final goodbyes to the mates who had endured through that sweet sour terrain called school life, in that farewell hall of ours. I looked around and to my utter bewilderment I was alone in my the room with my afore mentioned quarry (who for reasons unknown had taken fancy to me). Was it by
design or by coincidence is a secret I will probably never find an
answer to. But the Clint Eastwood in me decided to take the
matters in my own hand (no pun intended).

Hold it!

Well lets freeze this
chapter here coz I want the freeze frame effect of daily soap in my
writing.
There is a fair possibility that an Aaj Tak or a star news or at least India TV might pick up my
thread and go around tom toming it across the town which might result
in me being turned into a mini celebrity. You never know you might
actually see me in bigg boss 4 carrying forward the mantle from KRK.
:)