The Case of SMS from the Heaven

Science has gone beyond the widest realms of possibilities, things which are forefathers dismissed as flights of fancies are realities of today’s world. Yet there remain things to which we have no answers till today. Like a text from the Dead.

But Alas! This is not a blog dedicated to the serial “Mano Ya na Mano”.

Coming back to my story…

How will any body react if you get a text message from somebody who has already left this planet?

You will be shocked.

Surprised

If not anything Scared?

But the last thing you will expect is to try to grip your chair for support, trying to recover from a heavy blow on your left cheek, which has caused you a minor concussion. Well this happened to “Mr Atapattu”

Let me introduce my hero/villain depending upon how you see him

“Mr Atapattu”

Although a namesake of the famous Ex Sri-Lankan Cricketer whose first few scores at the international stage looked like a binary series or the guy who called his selectors Muppets, the only thing that they have got common is their name.

I have chosen this name, coz in Hindi his name closely symbolises flip-flops and utter confusion.

Here is presenting you without much ado-his first misadventure.

This was at a time when Mr. Atapattu was still studying architecture in his college; he was in the third year of his 4 year degree course. Very recently Mr. Atapattu had started seeing and had gotten steady with Ms. Cranberry. The heady romance of the new love had given way to the routine of a settled relationship & the inevitability of ending together. Things were running on a fine fettle.

But as they say “a leopard can never change its spots”. A man can never say no to a chance to flirt.

It started with the whole annual day celebrations. Mr Atapattu was the ace dancer in his college & it so happened that the main event of the function was a duet waltz dance to the tune of “Baahon ke Darmiyan- from the movie Khamoshi the Musical”

As it turned out Atapattu got paired up with this saucy, petite dame who went by the name Ms Choco-Chip. The long hours spent during the rehearsals and the soothing melody of one of the most romantic composition of all time had a mesmerizing effect on the handsome Atapattu & the PYT Choco-Chip. They never realised how, one thing led to another and….

But as Atapattu was already in a rock solid relationship with Ms Cranberry, there was not much scope for anything serious to brew between Atapattu & Choco-Chip. Thus began this whole game of hide & seek and the SMS coochie-coo. Wherein while being loyal to Cranberry who was anointed as his staple diet, Atapattu also had a light snack in the form of this tit-bit romance with Choco-Chip.

But as they the smooth sailing in relationship is as much a myth as Chinese govt claiming the presence Flying Dragons spewing fire stationed to protect “The Great Wall of China”,

It was Atapattu’s birthday and there it was, an ultra-romantic dinner planned to perfection by Ms Cranberry: Ah! With the heavenly aroma of his favourite Italian cuisine , the soothing sound of the waves, with a gentle cool night breeze for company & the soft melody of Kenny G being played live on a saxophone, it was a moment of eternal bliss.

The climax of the whole evening was about to arrive, as the gong of the grandfather clock was about to strike 12. Just before that particular moment Atapattu decided to take a loo break [the one which he has lived to regret forever.]

DHAN-TE-TAAN!!!!

Upon returning to the table the scene that greeted Atapattu’s eyes blew his mind off & sent him into a tailspin. The dishes were strewn helter-skelter; the table cloth had been torn to shreds. The beautiful birthday cake was meshed and vandalized beyond recognition under Ms Cranberry’s right heel. Ms Cranberry sweet loving pretty angelic face had been replaced by a face that resembled “Kali” the demonic incarnation of goddess Durga in an expression of rage unparalleled.

Utterly flummoxed Atapattu tried to make sense of the whole situation but failed miserably, he kept on asking Cranberry what was wrong? But she continued giving him I will chop you to smithereens look, instead of paying any heed to his questions. This went on for nearly 6 minutes and 32 seconds [At least that’s what the indicator on his new watch, gifted to him on that day itself by Ms Cranberry told him] finally the dam burst and in the midst of unbridled deluge of tears streaming from her eyes Ms Cranberry almost flung Atapattu’s phone which he had mistakenly left behind, on his face.

Still unable to fathom anything Atapattu tried to reason as to what it was, on his phone that had transformed Cranberry from Dreamgirl to Viscious Vamp?

Finally Ms Cranberry took the Atapattu’s phone and showed him a SMS which read “sweetest honey, wish you a very very happy b’day hope to see you 2moro”. Putting a brave face Atapattu said “oh! It’s nothing its’ just a simple birthday greeting.” Upon which Ms Cranberry pointed out who the sender was. This totally perplexed Atapattu coz it read Mr WHITE

FLASHBACK: Mr White was actually a senior of Atapattu & Cranberry, who had just passed away in a tragic skiing accident a couple of months back.

But as they say courage & intelligence are best seen in the midst of extreme adversity. He said to Cranberry “Darling look, this is the message from the heaven. Sweetie instead of getting upset you should acknowledge this act of God it’s a true MIRACLE!!! ”

P.S- Forever the disbeliever Ms Cranberry called the number which read WHITE. She put the phone on speaker mode. The dial tone started singing “Baahon ke Darmiyan- from the movie Khamoshi the Musical”. The person on the other line picked up the call as the second stanza was about to start, said instinctively “hi honey, muah! Happy b’day” Surprise Surprise that person sounded exactly like, guess who?

Ms Choco Chip of course.

Apparently Ms Cranberry had a sneaky suspicion of her indulging in some Namby-Pamby with her Atapattu & her voice on the other end only went on to reinforce the same. She went on to accuse him of infidelity towards her & said that Atapattu changed the name of Choco-Chip in his address book to Mr. White so as to fool her.

Atapattu swears that till date he has no idea how the person on the other line turned out to be Ms Choco-Chip’s. Ummm….BAFFLING.

But I believe him, and as I am sure many of you guys will feel the same “that sometimes people, who are dead, stay alive with us in spirit & this text is a living proof that people who no longer walk this earth can still leave an imprint for those whom they really care”.

And As for Choco-Chip’s voice on the other line, he says ……………….

U Bloody SCOUNDRELS!!!! Telecom Operators & Your CROSS CONNECTIONS…

DISCLAIMER: let me clarify it in Bold & Caps Lock –

THE CHARACTERS & EVENTS IN THE SERIES OF THESE BLOGS ARE PURELY FICTIONAL ANY SIMILARITES WITH THE EVENTS OR CHARACTERS IS PURELY CO-INCIDENTIAL.

SAD DEMISE OF MR. HUMOUR

Nasser Hussain calls a couple of Indian fielders DONKEYS.

Catastrophe, Blasphemy, Holy Cow, that’s an utter insult to our Nation. We should get hold of that scoundrel, who does he think he is? A bloody Britisher, even after we drove them out of our country in the most ignominious fashion, his nation has never got over the fact that they no longer rule us.

What Britisher, he is bloody traitor born in Chennai. Bloody M………………beep…beep

BCCI has decided to take this matter very seriously. Some Indian lawyer is going to sue him in the Supreme Court in India as well as in UK. RSS demands that he be extradited immediately and flogged publicly at the freedom park in Bengaluru [after all we have to show to the world, that we are no longer under British rule. Also it was in this city that they managed to draw with us in WC , damn!!].

How can he say such a thing, doesn’t he realise his country is struggling economically and that we are the super-power of tomorrow? Bloody moron. We want an apology from the English cricket board, nah! From the Prime Minister of England. Nah! Nah! That’s not enough we want an apology from the whole nation of England. How the hell can he call our players Donkey?

But wait, I thought that Hussain guy died recently right? Nah! It’s not that Hussain, this guy is a young fella who is a former England cricket captain. That guy was an hippie looking old painter who too was driven into exile by us.

Anyways, this is just in the wake of a privilege motion file by our MP’s against Om Puri for calling them Ganvar & Anpad. Before that it was “Teli ka tel- from Kaminey” right, oh! Wait after that there was also Billu the barber too [you incidentally cannot use the worder barber in India, u see].

Well the Businessweek report on countries went on to confer a lowly 125^th rank to us in terms of the happiness index.

Really! How can they give such a lowly rank to the 2^nd fastest growing economy in the world, the super power of the 21^st century?

You know what those people are nuts, we should ban that magazine for calling us unhappy.

We as a nation cannot tolerate this.

We are the nation that loves BANS, CENSORS & EXILES

For every damn thing that is going to hurt our “SENSIBILITIES” we have already devised our standard operating procedures:

SUE – Err! Isn’t your judiciary, which is massively burdened and is amongst the most painfully slow organisation known to the mankind? so what?

Ok then we will go on

DHARNA or a FAST- stand outside the “perpetrators” house, hurl abuses, shout slogans, burn effigies.

Better still

BEAT THEM INTO EXILE: ypu see we are in a desperate need of physical exercise so this gives us a perfect opportunity to loosen our limbs.

Isn’t it actually quite queer to see that as a nation; Donkey by Hussain, Teli by Gulzar & Ganvar by Puri affects us much more than thousands dead and dying in Bhopal, millions starving in Keonjhar, scores being murdered and abused in Rohtak, lakhs being displaced in Bastar & Nandigram.

Ah! Those are minor & un-newsworthy issues, U don’t understand national pride U IDIOT!!! You are a TRAITOR U don’t understand the sacrifices by the likes of Bhagat Singh to give you your freedom, u have no respect for those soldiers fighting in that god forbidden Siachen to protect you.

Sounds familiar right? What does this show?

We will do anything but to enjoy the frivolity of it and laugh at it ourselves. As we are entering the era of liberalism and free market, which logically as is the case should have meant that we are more tolerant, more objective. But NO, we have decided to take a contrarian view; we as nation will now get upset and enraged with anything that tickles us a tiny wee bit.

You know what has been greatest achievement post independence – The fragility of our ego & sensitivity of our pride! don't u ever forget that.

As a society anything & everything which is said to or about us, which might differ from our idea of liking offends us.

Notice I have refrained from saying “anything that does not amuse us”.

AMUSE??? Err! Hasn’t that word together with its cousin HUMOUR banned from the Indian version of dictionary?

As I have listed out in my earlier listed examples, for whatever we have achieved in the past 64 years, we have killed one thing for sure;

So Rejoice my countrymen coz we have killed that bloody bigot.

THE SENSE OF HUMOUR IS DEAD, LONG LIVE THE SENSE OF HUMOUR

P.S- Facebook has decided to disable the POKE option for Indian users, as it has been pointed out to it’s creators that POKING, JESTING or just AMUSING is a sacrilege in India. And will lead to total a ban on Facebook in India.

U have no idea who you are dealing with Zuckerberg

"Tears of Joy"

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness but of power. They are messengers of overwhelming grief and of unspeakable love."

Most of you’ll who are reading this must have seen the iconic serial ‘Friends’. Yeah! We are a generation which more or less grew up with that American sitcom. In that there is an episode where one of the characters ‘Chandler’ is shown to be emotion less, that’s coz he never cried while watching any sad movies.

I have built up a similar reputation. Most of the movies & senti videos which make people burst into tears have no effect on me whatsoever [similar case with horror movies, hence I am always struck off a horror movie watching list].

But April 2^nd 10:55ish pm was different. Yes I was overwhelmed, & yes I cried with real tears, & no I am not embarrassed to say so.

Was it the flood of all painful memories?

96 and our hara-kiri @ Eden. Maybe I was too young to understand the nitty gritties of deteriorating pitch, but I remember the pain that loss gave

99 it was the Australians who extinguished the campaign which was built on the holy trinity of Tendulkar, Dravid & Ganguly.

2003 The shocker of Zaheers first over and the torturous unending death delivered by Ponting & co

2007 the ultimate ignominy of in the form of humiliation meted out to us by being ousted in the 1^st round itself

Was it a reaction to all the taunts & jeers endured over the years about what a useless waste it was? To waste time & energy on a loser side?

I can’t really explain…….

What I can explain is the sequence of events

I battled with them when Yuvraj was crying his yes, out; I battled with them when the whole team descended on MS & him like a group of honey bees on a comb.

But none of my defenses were strong enough to prevent the deluge of tears when I saw “the little man”, come tearing on the ground with a triumphant smile, but moistness in his eyes. I just couldn’t do it…..

I don’t know why?

Maybe coz since the time I have begun to understand the vagaries of this world that “little man” has been my hero? His triumphs and sorrows have affected me personally without being mine? Or was it just the relief that finally that asterix in front of his name which said he is not a world champion will no longer be there?

Whatever it is? If ever there is a living proof of the expression “Tears of Joy” that was it

P.S.

My friend Jason said on twitter says “just say "job well done" seriously wtf”.

I want to say to him. Dude if it is really that simple how do you really explain? One of the most deeply divided country in the midst of inglorious phase of utter negativity [momentarily maybe] forgetting all their worries, trials, tribulations. Rejoices in one voice…as if all their life’s prayers had come true in that very instant.

Indian Roads a Russian Roulette

The other day I sent my office boy to pick up an important application from Margao. This was his first ever experience of riding on a highway [he lives in Panjim & had never been outside the city on his own]. After he came back, he told me he had a small accident with somebody bumping his bike from behind while he was changing his lane. Upon my enquiry, I found that it was entirely his folly.

After chastising him, I asked him how he didn’t see the approaching vehicle in his rear view mirror? To that he replied saying he didn’t have any. Upon me asking “Why?” His twin word answer was “Isshtylle, sir”.

FLASHBCK: Circa 2002 I had asked the same question about rear view mirror or rather absence of it to my friend Rohan Subhedar [note the relation of his surname to military nomenclature is entirely perfunctory]. And his answer was “dude it spoils the aerodynamics of my bike”

Gob smacked, Tizzy, Mind F@#$%D….

On the brighter side it acted as an inspiration for this blog of mine.

Travelling on Our Roads is an almost hallucinatory potion of sound, spectacle and experience. It is frequently heart-rending, sometimes hilarious, mostly exhilarating, and always unforgettable— and, when you are on the roads, extremely dangerous

Here is my humble attempt to script a charter based on my observations of traffic in India

RULE 1:

The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.

RULE 2:
Our traffic, like Our society, is structured on a strict caste system. The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In descending order, give way to:

Cows, heavy trucks, buses, official cars, dogs, light trucks, buffalo, jeeps, ox-carts, private cars, motorcycles, scooters, auto-rickshaws, pigs, goats, bicycles (goods-carrying), handcarts, bicycles (passenger-carrying), pedestrians.

RULE 3:
All vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim: to slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat. This is our drivers’ mantra.

RULE 4:
Use of horn:

Cars (4, 1, a-c):
Short blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, IE in clearing dogs, rickshaws and pedestrians from path.

Long blasts (desperate) denote supplication, I.E. to oncoming truck: “I am going too fast to stop, so unless you slow down we shall both die”. In extreme cases this may be accompanied by flashing of headlights (frantic).

Single blast (casual) means: “I have seen someone out of India’s 1 billion whom I recognise”, “There is a bird in the road (which at this speed could go through my windscreen)” or “I have not blown my horn for several minutes” or while passing across a place of worship “Hieeee!!! God fellow, yo!!!”

Trucks and buses (4,2,a):
All horn signals have the same meaning, viz: “I have an all-up weight of approximately 12.5 tons and have no intention of stopping, even if I could.” This signal may be emphasised by the use of headlamps.

RULE 5:
All manoeuvres, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until the last possible moment

RULE 6:
Rights of way:
Traffic entering a road from the left has priority. So has traffic from the right, and also traffic in the middle. We need to personify the legendary words of our super star Amitabh Bachchan “hum jahaa Khade hote hai, line wahi se shuru hoti hai”

RULE 7:

Lane discipline:
All Our traffic at all times and irrespective of direction of travel shall occupy the centre of the road.

RULE 8:
Roundabouts/traffic circles: India has no roundabouts. Apparent traffic islands in the middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any other impression should be ignored.

RULE 9:
Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to overtake every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has just overtaken you.

Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable conditions, such as in the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends, at junctions and in the middle of villages/city centres. No more than two inches should be allowed between your vehicle and the one you are passing — and one inch in the case of bicycles or pedestrians.

RULE 10:

Night Driving: Should always be done at full beam after all , as the golden old melody says “sir katta sakte hai lekin, sir jhuka sakte nahin”. So “DIPPER”-WTF is that?

RULE 11:

Indicators: Showing light to channel another individuals direction is best left to Gurus, Pandits, Maulvis and other god men. Normal individual shall refrain from this blasphemous act.

RULE 12: Crossing the road without checking in both directions is akin to committing suicide. Mind you: I am taking about a – “One Way Road”.

RULE 13: It’s baffling to know why India doesn’t have world class sprinters, especially when you see people running across the road just when a vehicle is about to cross. What better form of practice then to give death a near miss.

RULE 14: Kindly note that the most important conversations in person as well as telephonic happen on the middle of our roads. So if you have somebody glaring at you, it’s because you are being a nuisance to their discussions

RULE 15:
Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash, hence sacrilegious act of wearing a helmet or a seat belt be best avoided [unless of course, you want to wear your helmet on your hand for decorative purposes].

P.S:

Our Professor Sundaram used to always say "life in India is a matter of chance". Well, travelling on our roads does nothing to contradict that premise.

These are my observations I am pretty sure a lot of you will have many more to add to my 15 rules. Feel free to do so…

Barkhagate-The revenge of Mallus Part-2

I though I might get to see my favourite hot & happening Barkha Bisht here,

Btw hi Smitha, [who starts blushing at that, and turns into a magenta hue].I want to give one more suggestion for the entertainer of the year

Revi: it has to be a mallu

Sameer- ok ok don’t worry. Shakeela

Kalmadi [excitedly stands up] yes! Yes! Yes! bravo! bravo! bravo! Young man. I second that [runs ahead to give Sameer hi five & gives him bear hug].

This suddenly lightens up the situation and everybody seems much more relaxed now.

Kalmadi: guys,guys,guys are we cool now? Revi,Smitha on behalf of everybody I would like to accept all the demands on one condition, that this whole situation is dead with immediate effect.

Revi: ok, mallu promise.

Kalmadi: ok guys! This calls for a celebration. I have a bottle of the world’s most expensive cognac, Henri IV Dudognen Heritage itself.

Sameer: wait a minute guys, I don’t drink guys [this is met with disapproving looks from all and sundry], wait is that a bottle of Evian water?

Kalmadi: indeed, bottled out of the Pyrenees of the Alps itself

Sameer: ah! Is that room temperature?

BDutt: oh! Come on you blithering tomfool

Sameer: hey! Hey hey! Lady. First of all I am extremely disappointed. tI came all the way here to see a hot and happening live bronze sculpted nymph , but alas! The only Barkha I can see here is an unattractive specimen with a boho hair cut, and your cuss words are not helping my temper either. Lest u forget Iam a live witness to your sordid saga, and if I want…..

Kalmadi [cuts in]: relax guys! cool, cool, cool. Let us keep all our differences aside and rejoice to the fact that this meeting marks the end of all our anxieties and miseries.

[goes towards the table to open the cognac, only to discover that it is completely empty]

Huh! Who drank the bottle, what happened here???

Rajdeep [pointing towards a seemingly lifeless figure besides the sofa]: there I think I have got the answer to it.

Deepak[flipping over the prostrate figure]: hey breaking news “talli hua talli hua. Lalli mera talli hua”

Fade to black.

[concluded]