The Case of SMS from the Heaven

Science has gone beyond the widest realms of possibilities, things which are forefathers dismissed as flights of fancies are realities of today’s world. Yet there remain things to which we have no answers till today. Like a text from the Dead.

But Alas! This is not a blog dedicated to the serial “Mano Ya na Mano”.

Coming back to my story…

How will any body react if you get a text message from somebody who has already left this planet?

You will be shocked.

Surprised

If not anything Scared?

But the last thing you will expect is to try to grip your chair for support, trying to recover from a heavy blow on your left cheek, which has caused you a minor concussion. Well this happened to “Mr Atapattu”

Let me introduce my hero/villain depending upon how you see him

“Mr Atapattu”

Although a namesake of the famous Ex Sri-Lankan Cricketer whose first few scores at the international stage looked like a binary series or the guy who called his selectors Muppets, the only thing that they have got common is their name.

I have chosen this name, coz in Hindi his name closely symbolises flip-flops and utter confusion.

Here is presenting you without much ado-his first misadventure.

This was at a time when Mr. Atapattu was still studying architecture in his college; he was in the third year of his 4 year degree course. Very recently Mr. Atapattu had started seeing and had gotten steady with Ms. Cranberry. The heady romance of the new love had given way to the routine of a settled relationship & the inevitability of ending together. Things were running on a fine fettle.

But as they say “a leopard can never change its spots”. A man can never say no to a chance to flirt.

It started with the whole annual day celebrations. Mr Atapattu was the ace dancer in his college & it so happened that the main event of the function was a duet waltz dance to the tune of “Baahon ke Darmiyan- from the movie Khamoshi the Musical”

As it turned out Atapattu got paired up with this saucy, petite dame who went by the name Ms Choco-Chip. The long hours spent during the rehearsals and the soothing melody of one of the most romantic composition of all time had a mesmerizing effect on the handsome Atapattu & the PYT Choco-Chip. They never realised how, one thing led to another and….

But as Atapattu was already in a rock solid relationship with Ms Cranberry, there was not much scope for anything serious to brew between Atapattu & Choco-Chip. Thus began this whole game of hide & seek and the SMS coochie-coo. Wherein while being loyal to Cranberry who was anointed as his staple diet, Atapattu also had a light snack in the form of this tit-bit romance with Choco-Chip.

But as they the smooth sailing in relationship is as much a myth as Chinese govt claiming the presence Flying Dragons spewing fire stationed to protect “The Great Wall of China”,

It was Atapattu’s birthday and there it was, an ultra-romantic dinner planned to perfection by Ms Cranberry: Ah! With the heavenly aroma of his favourite Italian cuisine , the soothing sound of the waves, with a gentle cool night breeze for company & the soft melody of Kenny G being played live on a saxophone, it was a moment of eternal bliss.

The climax of the whole evening was about to arrive, as the gong of the grandfather clock was about to strike 12. Just before that particular moment Atapattu decided to take a loo break [the one which he has lived to regret forever.]

DHAN-TE-TAAN!!!!

Upon returning to the table the scene that greeted Atapattu’s eyes blew his mind off & sent him into a tailspin. The dishes were strewn helter-skelter; the table cloth had been torn to shreds. The beautiful birthday cake was meshed and vandalized beyond recognition under Ms Cranberry’s right heel. Ms Cranberry sweet loving pretty angelic face had been replaced by a face that resembled “Kali” the demonic incarnation of goddess Durga in an expression of rage unparalleled.

Utterly flummoxed Atapattu tried to make sense of the whole situation but failed miserably, he kept on asking Cranberry what was wrong? But she continued giving him I will chop you to smithereens look, instead of paying any heed to his questions. This went on for nearly 6 minutes and 32 seconds [At least that’s what the indicator on his new watch, gifted to him on that day itself by Ms Cranberry told him] finally the dam burst and in the midst of unbridled deluge of tears streaming from her eyes Ms Cranberry almost flung Atapattu’s phone which he had mistakenly left behind, on his face.

Still unable to fathom anything Atapattu tried to reason as to what it was, on his phone that had transformed Cranberry from Dreamgirl to Viscious Vamp?

Finally Ms Cranberry took the Atapattu’s phone and showed him a SMS which read “sweetest honey, wish you a very very happy b’day hope to see you 2moro”. Putting a brave face Atapattu said “oh! It’s nothing its’ just a simple birthday greeting.” Upon which Ms Cranberry pointed out who the sender was. This totally perplexed Atapattu coz it read Mr WHITE

FLASHBACK: Mr White was actually a senior of Atapattu & Cranberry, who had just passed away in a tragic skiing accident a couple of months back.

But as they say courage & intelligence are best seen in the midst of extreme adversity. He said to Cranberry “Darling look, this is the message from the heaven. Sweetie instead of getting upset you should acknowledge this act of God it’s a true MIRACLE!!! ”

P.S- Forever the disbeliever Ms Cranberry called the number which read WHITE. She put the phone on speaker mode. The dial tone started singing “Baahon ke Darmiyan- from the movie Khamoshi the Musical”. The person on the other line picked up the call as the second stanza was about to start, said instinctively “hi honey, muah! Happy b’day” Surprise Surprise that person sounded exactly like, guess who?

Ms Choco Chip of course.

Apparently Ms Cranberry had a sneaky suspicion of her indulging in some Namby-Pamby with her Atapattu & her voice on the other end only went on to reinforce the same. She went on to accuse him of infidelity towards her & said that Atapattu changed the name of Choco-Chip in his address book to Mr. White so as to fool her.

Atapattu swears that till date he has no idea how the person on the other line turned out to be Ms Choco-Chip’s. Ummm….BAFFLING.

But I believe him, and as I am sure many of you guys will feel the same “that sometimes people, who are dead, stay alive with us in spirit & this text is a living proof that people who no longer walk this earth can still leave an imprint for those whom they really care”.

And As for Choco-Chip’s voice on the other line, he says ……………….

U Bloody SCOUNDRELS!!!! Telecom Operators & Your CROSS CONNECTIONS…

DISCLAIMER: let me clarify it in Bold & Caps Lock –

THE CHARACTERS & EVENTS IN THE SERIES OF THESE BLOGS ARE PURELY FICTIONAL ANY SIMILARITES WITH THE EVENTS OR CHARACTERS IS PURELY CO-INCIDENTIAL.

SAD DEMISE OF MR. HUMOUR

Nasser Hussain calls a couple of Indian fielders DONKEYS.

Catastrophe, Blasphemy, Holy Cow, that’s an utter insult to our Nation. We should get hold of that scoundrel, who does he think he is? A bloody Britisher, even after we drove them out of our country in the most ignominious fashion, his nation has never got over the fact that they no longer rule us.

What Britisher, he is bloody traitor born in Chennai. Bloody M………………beep…beep

BCCI has decided to take this matter very seriously. Some Indian lawyer is going to sue him in the Supreme Court in India as well as in UK. RSS demands that he be extradited immediately and flogged publicly at the freedom park in Bengaluru [after all we have to show to the world, that we are no longer under British rule. Also it was in this city that they managed to draw with us in WC , damn!!].

How can he say such a thing, doesn’t he realise his country is struggling economically and that we are the super-power of tomorrow? Bloody moron. We want an apology from the English cricket board, nah! From the Prime Minister of England. Nah! Nah! That’s not enough we want an apology from the whole nation of England. How the hell can he call our players Donkey?

But wait, I thought that Hussain guy died recently right? Nah! It’s not that Hussain, this guy is a young fella who is a former England cricket captain. That guy was an hippie looking old painter who too was driven into exile by us.

Anyways, this is just in the wake of a privilege motion file by our MP’s against Om Puri for calling them Ganvar & Anpad. Before that it was “Teli ka tel- from Kaminey” right, oh! Wait after that there was also Billu the barber too [you incidentally cannot use the worder barber in India, u see].

Well the Businessweek report on countries went on to confer a lowly 125^th rank to us in terms of the happiness index.

Really! How can they give such a lowly rank to the 2^nd fastest growing economy in the world, the super power of the 21^st century?

You know what those people are nuts, we should ban that magazine for calling us unhappy.

We as a nation cannot tolerate this.

We are the nation that loves BANS, CENSORS & EXILES

For every damn thing that is going to hurt our “SENSIBILITIES” we have already devised our standard operating procedures:

SUE – Err! Isn’t your judiciary, which is massively burdened and is amongst the most painfully slow organisation known to the mankind? so what?

Ok then we will go on

DHARNA or a FAST- stand outside the “perpetrators” house, hurl abuses, shout slogans, burn effigies.

Better still

BEAT THEM INTO EXILE: ypu see we are in a desperate need of physical exercise so this gives us a perfect opportunity to loosen our limbs.

Isn’t it actually quite queer to see that as a nation; Donkey by Hussain, Teli by Gulzar & Ganvar by Puri affects us much more than thousands dead and dying in Bhopal, millions starving in Keonjhar, scores being murdered and abused in Rohtak, lakhs being displaced in Bastar & Nandigram.

Ah! Those are minor & un-newsworthy issues, U don’t understand national pride U IDIOT!!! You are a TRAITOR U don’t understand the sacrifices by the likes of Bhagat Singh to give you your freedom, u have no respect for those soldiers fighting in that god forbidden Siachen to protect you.

Sounds familiar right? What does this show?

We will do anything but to enjoy the frivolity of it and laugh at it ourselves. As we are entering the era of liberalism and free market, which logically as is the case should have meant that we are more tolerant, more objective. But NO, we have decided to take a contrarian view; we as nation will now get upset and enraged with anything that tickles us a tiny wee bit.

You know what has been greatest achievement post independence – The fragility of our ego & sensitivity of our pride! don't u ever forget that.

As a society anything & everything which is said to or about us, which might differ from our idea of liking offends us.

Notice I have refrained from saying “anything that does not amuse us”.

AMUSE??? Err! Hasn’t that word together with its cousin HUMOUR banned from the Indian version of dictionary?

As I have listed out in my earlier listed examples, for whatever we have achieved in the past 64 years, we have killed one thing for sure;

So Rejoice my countrymen coz we have killed that bloody bigot.

THE SENSE OF HUMOUR IS DEAD, LONG LIVE THE SENSE OF HUMOUR

P.S- Facebook has decided to disable the POKE option for Indian users, as it has been pointed out to it’s creators that POKING, JESTING or just AMUSING is a sacrilege in India. And will lead to total a ban on Facebook in India.

U have no idea who you are dealing with Zuckerberg

"Tears of Joy"

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness but of power. They are messengers of overwhelming grief and of unspeakable love."

Most of you’ll who are reading this must have seen the iconic serial ‘Friends’. Yeah! We are a generation which more or less grew up with that American sitcom. In that there is an episode where one of the characters ‘Chandler’ is shown to be emotion less, that’s coz he never cried while watching any sad movies.

I have built up a similar reputation. Most of the movies & senti videos which make people burst into tears have no effect on me whatsoever [similar case with horror movies, hence I am always struck off a horror movie watching list].

But April 2^nd 10:55ish pm was different. Yes I was overwhelmed, & yes I cried with real tears, & no I am not embarrassed to say so.

Was it the flood of all painful memories?

96 and our hara-kiri @ Eden. Maybe I was too young to understand the nitty gritties of deteriorating pitch, but I remember the pain that loss gave

99 it was the Australians who extinguished the campaign which was built on the holy trinity of Tendulkar, Dravid & Ganguly.

2003 The shocker of Zaheers first over and the torturous unending death delivered by Ponting & co

2007 the ultimate ignominy of in the form of humiliation meted out to us by being ousted in the 1^st round itself

Was it a reaction to all the taunts & jeers endured over the years about what a useless waste it was? To waste time & energy on a loser side?

I can’t really explain…….

What I can explain is the sequence of events

I battled with them when Yuvraj was crying his yes, out; I battled with them when the whole team descended on MS & him like a group of honey bees on a comb.

But none of my defenses were strong enough to prevent the deluge of tears when I saw “the little man”, come tearing on the ground with a triumphant smile, but moistness in his eyes. I just couldn’t do it…..

I don’t know why?

Maybe coz since the time I have begun to understand the vagaries of this world that “little man” has been my hero? His triumphs and sorrows have affected me personally without being mine? Or was it just the relief that finally that asterix in front of his name which said he is not a world champion will no longer be there?

Whatever it is? If ever there is a living proof of the expression “Tears of Joy” that was it

P.S.

My friend Jason said on twitter says “just say "job well done" seriously wtf”.

I want to say to him. Dude if it is really that simple how do you really explain? One of the most deeply divided country in the midst of inglorious phase of utter negativity [momentarily maybe] forgetting all their worries, trials, tribulations. Rejoices in one voice…as if all their life’s prayers had come true in that very instant.

Indian Roads a Russian Roulette

The other day I sent my office boy to pick up an important application from Margao. This was his first ever experience of riding on a highway [he lives in Panjim & had never been outside the city on his own]. After he came back, he told me he had a small accident with somebody bumping his bike from behind while he was changing his lane. Upon my enquiry, I found that it was entirely his folly.

After chastising him, I asked him how he didn’t see the approaching vehicle in his rear view mirror? To that he replied saying he didn’t have any. Upon me asking “Why?” His twin word answer was “Isshtylle, sir”.

FLASHBCK: Circa 2002 I had asked the same question about rear view mirror or rather absence of it to my friend Rohan Subhedar [note the relation of his surname to military nomenclature is entirely perfunctory]. And his answer was “dude it spoils the aerodynamics of my bike”

Gob smacked, Tizzy, Mind F@#$%D….

On the brighter side it acted as an inspiration for this blog of mine.

Travelling on Our Roads is an almost hallucinatory potion of sound, spectacle and experience. It is frequently heart-rending, sometimes hilarious, mostly exhilarating, and always unforgettable— and, when you are on the roads, extremely dangerous

Here is my humble attempt to script a charter based on my observations of traffic in India

RULE 1:

The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.

RULE 2:
Our traffic, like Our society, is structured on a strict caste system. The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In descending order, give way to:

Cows, heavy trucks, buses, official cars, dogs, light trucks, buffalo, jeeps, ox-carts, private cars, motorcycles, scooters, auto-rickshaws, pigs, goats, bicycles (goods-carrying), handcarts, bicycles (passenger-carrying), pedestrians.

RULE 3:
All vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim: to slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat. This is our drivers’ mantra.

RULE 4:
Use of horn:

Cars (4, 1, a-c):
Short blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, IE in clearing dogs, rickshaws and pedestrians from path.

Long blasts (desperate) denote supplication, I.E. to oncoming truck: “I am going too fast to stop, so unless you slow down we shall both die”. In extreme cases this may be accompanied by flashing of headlights (frantic).

Single blast (casual) means: “I have seen someone out of India’s 1 billion whom I recognise”, “There is a bird in the road (which at this speed could go through my windscreen)” or “I have not blown my horn for several minutes” or while passing across a place of worship “Hieeee!!! God fellow, yo!!!”

Trucks and buses (4,2,a):
All horn signals have the same meaning, viz: “I have an all-up weight of approximately 12.5 tons and have no intention of stopping, even if I could.” This signal may be emphasised by the use of headlamps.

RULE 5:
All manoeuvres, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until the last possible moment

RULE 6:
Rights of way:
Traffic entering a road from the left has priority. So has traffic from the right, and also traffic in the middle. We need to personify the legendary words of our super star Amitabh Bachchan “hum jahaa Khade hote hai, line wahi se shuru hoti hai”

RULE 7:

Lane discipline:
All Our traffic at all times and irrespective of direction of travel shall occupy the centre of the road.

RULE 8:
Roundabouts/traffic circles: India has no roundabouts. Apparent traffic islands in the middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any other impression should be ignored.

RULE 9:
Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to overtake every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has just overtaken you.

Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable conditions, such as in the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends, at junctions and in the middle of villages/city centres. No more than two inches should be allowed between your vehicle and the one you are passing — and one inch in the case of bicycles or pedestrians.

RULE 10:

Night Driving: Should always be done at full beam after all , as the golden old melody says “sir katta sakte hai lekin, sir jhuka sakte nahin”. So “DIPPER”-WTF is that?

RULE 11:

Indicators: Showing light to channel another individuals direction is best left to Gurus, Pandits, Maulvis and other god men. Normal individual shall refrain from this blasphemous act.

RULE 12: Crossing the road without checking in both directions is akin to committing suicide. Mind you: I am taking about a – “One Way Road”.

RULE 13: It’s baffling to know why India doesn’t have world class sprinters, especially when you see people running across the road just when a vehicle is about to cross. What better form of practice then to give death a near miss.

RULE 14: Kindly note that the most important conversations in person as well as telephonic happen on the middle of our roads. So if you have somebody glaring at you, it’s because you are being a nuisance to their discussions

RULE 15:
Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash, hence sacrilegious act of wearing a helmet or a seat belt be best avoided [unless of course, you want to wear your helmet on your hand for decorative purposes].

P.S:

Our Professor Sundaram used to always say "life in India is a matter of chance". Well, travelling on our roads does nothing to contradict that premise.

These are my observations I am pretty sure a lot of you will have many more to add to my 15 rules. Feel free to do so…

Barkhagate-The revenge of Mallus Part-2

I though I might get to see my favourite hot & happening Barkha Bisht here,

Btw hi Smitha, [who starts blushing at that, and turns into a magenta hue].I want to give one more suggestion for the entertainer of the year

Revi: it has to be a mallu

Sameer- ok ok don’t worry. Shakeela

Kalmadi [excitedly stands up] yes! Yes! Yes! bravo! bravo! bravo! Young man. I second that [runs ahead to give Sameer hi five & gives him bear hug].

This suddenly lightens up the situation and everybody seems much more relaxed now.

Kalmadi: guys,guys,guys are we cool now? Revi,Smitha on behalf of everybody I would like to accept all the demands on one condition, that this whole situation is dead with immediate effect.

Revi: ok, mallu promise.

Kalmadi: ok guys! This calls for a celebration. I have a bottle of the world’s most expensive cognac, Henri IV Dudognen Heritage itself.

Sameer: wait a minute guys, I don’t drink guys [this is met with disapproving looks from all and sundry], wait is that a bottle of Evian water?

Kalmadi: indeed, bottled out of the Pyrenees of the Alps itself

Sameer: ah! Is that room temperature?

BDutt: oh! Come on you blithering tomfool

Sameer: hey! Hey hey! Lady. First of all I am extremely disappointed. tI came all the way here to see a hot and happening live bronze sculpted nymph , but alas! The only Barkha I can see here is an unattractive specimen with a boho hair cut, and your cuss words are not helping my temper either. Lest u forget Iam a live witness to your sordid saga, and if I want…..

Kalmadi [cuts in]: relax guys! cool, cool, cool. Let us keep all our differences aside and rejoice to the fact that this meeting marks the end of all our anxieties and miseries.

[goes towards the table to open the cognac, only to discover that it is completely empty]

Huh! Who drank the bottle, what happened here???

Rajdeep [pointing towards a seemingly lifeless figure besides the sofa]: there I think I have got the answer to it.

Deepak[flipping over the prostrate figure]: hey breaking news “talli hua talli hua. Lalli mera talli hua”

Fade to black.

[concluded]

Barkhagate-The revenge of Mallus

The sensational expose the Nadia Radia tapes have brought to light the worst kept secret. That of the media-corporate-politician nexus.

In its wake it left two of the most widely recognized faces in the world of Indian television news red faced. Barkha Dutt & Vir Sanghvi are a harried lot, Especially with the stinging criticism on social network media, which has given a lot of their critics an opportunity to tear into the flesh of their reputations. Terms like Barkhagate and Sanghvigate have almost become a clarion call for the “enlightened public” of India, which gets orgasmic pleasure out of Schadenfreude of celebrities.

Even after writing a column and a carefully orchestrated TV show on her own channel. Vir & Barkha have still not been able to make much head way in clearing their name and are still an anxious lot.

Hence they decided to go the Zen Master himself, the true champion of handling controversies, the emperor of slyness, and the czar of cunning who shows how to smile even in the face of the most damning proof. Ladies & Gentleman I present to you none other than his highness Suresh Kalmadi himself.

Suresh Kalmadi, holding centre chair, is surrounded by Barkha Dutt,Vir Sanghvi, Prabhu Chawla, Arnab Goswami, ,Rajdeep Sardesai & B S Lalli [PRASAR BHARTI/ DOORDARSHAN], all reclining on comfortable sofas in a large room. Deepak Chaurasia is missing though. A sign on the door reads “Kalmadis how to Save Yourself Session[SYS]."

Kalmadi: Hello everyone.

[Every one -hello sir, he chuckles] Despite you guys doing everything to destroy me in the wake of CWG. I Have decided to share my wisdom with you’ll, in your hour of distress. But before I can teach you’ll the various tricks of trade called S.Y.S [save your self] I think this is a good time to voice our thoughts to each other which will help me ideas to get you out of this mess…

So, who wants to get the ball rolling and tell Sir S.K what's going on?

Arnab & Rajdeep [in hushed whispers “since when did he get knighted?” and start giggling]

Kalmadi: boys I think I should call this session off, I will not stand for anymore insults. You know how priceless my time is right? Today I was supposed to meet the toilet paper supplier for the Olympics 2020 which by the way India is going to host

[Everybody looks at him in stunned silence; there is a mischievous smile on Kalmadi’s face, exaggerated by his diamond studded front tooth. This leads to an even bigger expression of surprise from those present.]

BDutt shoos everybody down, with a hushed murmur which roughly sounds like “guys we are paying him on per second basis”

BDutt: Oh yes, I guess I can start. Well, even after my show which I held according your advice nothing seems to have changed.

Kalmadi: Okay... and how does that make you feel?

Bdutt: Like I'm a bloody politician, man. It's so depressing. Everyone seems to want to put their buck on me, hell I am the creator of bucks here. You won’t believe yesterday on twitter somebody was blaming me for the sorry state of NBA team Milwaukee Bucks, farcically ridiculous.

Kalmadi:[chuckles] Hmmm. Milwaukee Bucks. That is pretty grim. Maybe we should move on to someone else. I'm sure Arnab has plenty of concerns to talk about?

Arnab: Nothing to report on my end, sir. No one is saying anything to “your channel” we only give what India wants. India has no interest in this issue, because we are the sole ones who decide what India wants at Times Now. Which is why we chose to completely block out this issue. India is not interested in this issue. We are the voice of India. (Everybody clasp their hands firmly to their ears, to avoid permanent loss of hearing due to this decibel explosion).

Rajdeep: Oh please, Arnab, you cant be representative of India’s voice. In fact my own voice is so much better than your shrill wolf howl! Your channel is not watched by any one.

Arnab: Hey, we are the one who gave the exclusive Adarsh scam expose;

Rajdeep: yes after filed the RTI in Adarsh case.

Suddenly there is inaudible cacophony. And a fight breaks out between Rajdeep and Arnab. Eventually they separated from each other after much difficulty by others...

Somehow everything looks settled now, although the snarling looks on Rajdeep & Arnabs faces seem to show everything is far from ok.

Chawla: haha, but we are the real winners we were the ones who did the exclusive on Coca Cola drinking Nagin.

Lalli: (smirking) Yeah, but we are way ahead.

Chawla: What?

Lalli: Nothing.

Kalmadi: [shooshing everyone] Rajdeep, Arnab behave yourself I don’t think any of you can qualify for Indian idol with voices like that. Prabhu this is not the right time to show off your TRP’s. Lalli, I know you haven't been completely honest with me about sharing the spoils of CWG broadcast, but we will discuss that matter in private [again that sly smile appears on his face].

Everyone turns and looks as couple of the security guards enter with Deepak Chaurasia between them .

Kalmadi: Who is that? Is that... Deeeeeepak? Where were you?

Security: sir he was snooping around the gate with a mini camera and a collar microphone, in a very suspicious manner.

[Security exit]

Kalamdi: it’s ok, he is here on invitation, and you can leave him.

Deepak: (bashfully) Oh... heeeyy guuuuys. I'm here for the ermm... I was at the gate.

Vir: Deepak, you were supposed to be here an hour ago! What were you doing at the gate?

Deepak: Oh, I just thought. Since... this all about the gate why not do an exclusive on the gate. And look what I found. I have an exclusive theory, this gate has “made in china” mark. Hence, I suspect all this is part of Chinese dictatorship design to undermine our free media. I have even thought of the exclusive story “sansannnnnnnnnnnni sonewalon jaaga jaao, dekho cheen kaise humari media ko khokla karne ka shadyantra rach raha hai”

Kalmadi: hmmmmm you might have a point here. But we can’t anger the Chinese now, I have just returned from there and have already started negotiations with suppliers there for supply of building materials for Olympics 2020, in fact I have even taken advance. Btw fyi this advance is strictly off the record. [Winks at the gathering, again showing of his diamond studded teeth]

BDutt: [looking disgustingly @ Deepak] what more can you expect from this, IQ deficient, over the top sensationalizing cantankerous vernacular media.

This flips off Chawla & Deepak in particular. Again there is commotion with a shouting match between all participants except for Lalli who unperturbed with the whole situation, is in a state of utopia enjoying the delectable Reshmi Kebabs.

Kalmadi: Right. Well. I can see we are getting nowhere with this therapy thing. Perhaps it's best to call it a night. Just make sure you all continue to attend my coaching classes on how to face the public in the wake of outright public humiliation as I call it SYS. And yeah! Kindly note all payments will by visa-to-visa transfer in my Cayman a/c.

[Just than out of nowhere Amitabh Revi of NDTV steps out of the shadows behind the sofa taking everybody by surprise]

BDUTT- Revi!!!!!!! What are you doing here you blundering foooool!, this is an editors only meet. You Mallu’s will never learn that you don’t need to be omnipresent everywhere. As if we don’t have enough Mallu’s cornering the world. That you have even found a way to sneak into this extremely exclusive group therapy session.

Revi: but but….

BDUTT: you you you…the buck stops here..leave from here now….I say did you hear me?

Revi: but but…

Kalmadi [cuts in]- Barkha Barkha…its ok…lets give the poor fellow a chance to explain himself…

Revi: [with an accusatory look towards Barkha Dutt] this is all because of her attitude towards the Mallu people that this situation has arisen. She has always had a step motherly attitude towards Mallu people, the proof of it is right here in front of you people [starts sobbing]

Kalmadi: Revi control yourself. Go on son, please elaborate further, be quick.

BDUTT: [muttering under her breath] what a ridiculous waste of time.

Vir Sanghvi:

Revi: [with a look of gratitude towards kalmadi] thank you sir. As I was saying, did you notice the medium of expose of this tape?????

Vir Sanghvi: [suddenly with a voice of great interest] Ya it’s that Open magazine, such a nondescript entity. The name “Open” itself reflects a great amount of antipathy for the aesthetic. How can a literary medium with an external locus standi be called “Open”. … [And he wants to go on & on, but Kalmadi gestures him to shut up, which he obliges but not without a whimper]

Revi: as I was saying. Before I was interrupted by his Royal highness [shoots a disgusted look at Sanghvi]. It was the “Open” magazine & pray who is its chief editor???

Arnab: [unable to control himself, howls] your channel says, no no no India says it’s Manu Joseph.

Revi:[initially startled, but eventually composing himself] errr…..yeah! He is right. Did you notice the fact that he is a Mallu?

[A loud guffaw! Across the room]

BDUtt: but why is he targeting me???? Why me? I want to know why am I singled out. Blurt out low life..

Kalmadi: Barkha calm down. Go on Revi

Revi:[in an angry retort] that’s because you were at the forefront of the smear campaign to malign the great mallu son mr. Shashi Tharoor, not only that you were chiefly responsible for him losing his ministry. Add to it you were also in tow with our arch nemesis-the Tams: helping them get the coveted telecom ministry.

Vir Sanghvi [interjecting] and pray what have I done to your Malabari brethren. The way I have been targeted is totally inappropriate. It's lewd, lascivious, salacious, outrageous, egregious, preposterous." "

Revi: oh! You………. You are worse than her. In one of shows in which you act as a food critic you severely criticized our Keralite specialty Appam. Hell!! you even had the cheek to call it poor mans pancake????? How can the fraternity ever forgive you for that? Wasn’t it enough to collude with that blogger Fake IPL player in bringing down our hero Sreeshant. That you guys went ahead to wound the Mallu pride like never before. You guys are deservedly paying for what you have done.

As they famously say in Malayalam “if you plant a coconut tree, don’t expect that tree to grow bananas”

Chawla:[in a very thoughtful tone] I knew this, this is a Dravidian conspiracy aimed at maligning the pre dominantly mainstream Aryan media. If you notice the tapes have selectively tried to target only Aryans.

Again there is a lot of commotion and people jumping, punching, scratching biting each other like street mongrels.

[Kalmadi orders the security to step in and separate all the participants, physically]

[Again everybody returns to the state uneasy calm]

Kalmadi: Listen everyone. In this hour we need to put up a united stand to thwart our enemy supreme ‘enlightened public’. We need to do this now. Revi …go on son, tell us if there is any way out of this.

Revi: yes there is a solution…we have a list of demands which if fulfilled will ensure that this issue dies a silent & prompt death, and then everything will be back as it is.

Kalmadi: on behalf of everybody I urge you to put those in front of us. [All present throw a look of disgust but TINA{there is no alternative} kicks in]. Okay guys?????

Chorus ok sir….

Revi: to present our list of demands I would like to invite, super beautiful, super intelligent, super talented and of course Mallu- Superrrrrr! Smitha Nair.

[Smitha Nair from CNN-IBN, suddenly slides in from behind the sofa holding a fairly sinister looking sheet of paper in her hand, this sends look of immense surprise on all the participants face, none more so visible than on her very own editor Rajdeeps face]

Smitha:[ignoring the chatter and the sniggering looks]: Workers of the world unite; you have nothing to lose but your coir ropes..ah! a personal touch I have replaced chains with coir ropes. Because in gods own country they are stringer than chains [She seems like wanting to go on but is brutally cut short by Kalmadi]

Kalmadi: Smitha we know that your state is ruled by communists, but there is no need for you to do a Karl Marx impersonation

[This results in the biggest gasp of the evening, with a resultant murmur sounding like “he,he,he…..knows it???”]. Kalmadi says to himself “ah! The china trip sure helped me to show these buggers that I know communism. Although, this is about the only thing I learnt there due to being constantly hammered with this nonsense”

Smitha [composes herself and shoots a meaningful glance at Revi, who showers her with a smile of encouragement]. Here is our charter of demand.

1^st and foremost 60% of all channel staff has to be mallu.

Chawla: but most of them don’t know hindi

Revi: then change all hindi programs to Malayalam.

Chawla: but how?

Revi: you are the editor. That’s your headache

Continue Smitha

2nd Shashi Tharoor has to be reinstated as the foreign minister responsibility, BDutt, use your famed congress connections here now.

3rd Vir sanghvi to host an exclusive cookery show which only praises the malabari cuisine

4th As the year end approaches and you channels start choosing the Indian of the year. The event of the year has to go to tharoor/pushkar wedding, team of the year to kochi ipl team

Rajdeep: but it has not even been constituted

Revi:[interjecting] but still the award has to go there, we could have settled for kerala police football team but that is no longer in existence hence the award has to go to kochi ipl team, and yeah also the 2020 Olympics have to be held in Kochi . Continue Smitha.

Smitha: Sportsman of the year award has to go to our golden hero Sreeshant while entertainer of the year award has to be split between Mamoothy and Mohanlal,

[Suddenly the title track of Kaminey “dhan te Nen” starts bellowing in the background and as if out of thin air apparates a puny man wearing an oversized sweater and thick jacket]

Deepak: who are you? What are you doing here? How did you get in?

Sameer Phal [in a disarmingly cool manner]: I am the celebrity event crasher; I specialize in crashing any celebrity wedding, meeting, funeral etc.

To be continued