Barkhagate-The revenge of Mallus

The sensational expose the Nadia Radia tapes have brought to light the worst kept secret. That of the media-corporate-politician nexus.

In its wake it left two of the most widely recognized faces in the world of Indian television news red faced. Barkha Dutt & Vir Sanghvi are a harried lot, Especially with the stinging criticism on social network media, which has given a lot of their critics an opportunity to tear into the flesh of their reputations. Terms like Barkhagate and Sanghvigate have almost become a clarion call for the “enlightened public” of India, which gets orgasmic pleasure out of Schadenfreude of celebrities.

Even after writing a column and a carefully orchestrated TV show on her own channel. Vir & Barkha have still not been able to make much head way in clearing their name and are still an anxious lot.

Hence they decided to go the Zen Master himself, the true champion of handling controversies, the emperor of slyness, and the czar of cunning who shows how to smile even in the face of the most damning proof. Ladies & Gentleman I present to you none other than his highness Suresh Kalmadi himself.

Suresh Kalmadi, holding centre chair, is surrounded by Barkha Dutt,Vir Sanghvi, Prabhu Chawla, Arnab Goswami, ,Rajdeep Sardesai & B S Lalli [PRASAR BHARTI/ DOORDARSHAN], all reclining on comfortable sofas in a large room. Deepak Chaurasia is missing though. A sign on the door reads “Kalmadis how to Save Yourself Session[SYS]."

Kalmadi: Hello everyone.

[Every one -hello sir, he chuckles] Despite you guys doing everything to destroy me in the wake of CWG. I Have decided to share my wisdom with you’ll, in your hour of distress. But before I can teach you’ll the various tricks of trade called S.Y.S [save your self] I think this is a good time to voice our thoughts to each other which will help me ideas to get you out of this mess…

So, who wants to get the ball rolling and tell Sir S.K what's going on?

Arnab & Rajdeep [in hushed whispers “since when did he get knighted?” and start giggling]

Kalmadi: boys I think I should call this session off, I will not stand for anymore insults. You know how priceless my time is right? Today I was supposed to meet the toilet paper supplier for the Olympics 2020 which by the way India is going to host

[Everybody looks at him in stunned silence; there is a mischievous smile on Kalmadi’s face, exaggerated by his diamond studded front tooth. This leads to an even bigger expression of surprise from those present.]

BDutt shoos everybody down, with a hushed murmur which roughly sounds like “guys we are paying him on per second basis”

BDutt: Oh yes, I guess I can start. Well, even after my show which I held according your advice nothing seems to have changed.

Kalmadi: Okay... and how does that make you feel?

Bdutt: Like I'm a bloody politician, man. It's so depressing. Everyone seems to want to put their buck on me, hell I am the creator of bucks here. You won’t believe yesterday on twitter somebody was blaming me for the sorry state of NBA team Milwaukee Bucks, farcically ridiculous.

Kalmadi:[chuckles] Hmmm. Milwaukee Bucks. That is pretty grim. Maybe we should move on to someone else. I'm sure Arnab has plenty of concerns to talk about?

Arnab: Nothing to report on my end, sir. No one is saying anything to “your channel” we only give what India wants. India has no interest in this issue, because we are the sole ones who decide what India wants at Times Now. Which is why we chose to completely block out this issue. India is not interested in this issue. We are the voice of India. (Everybody clasp their hands firmly to their ears, to avoid permanent loss of hearing due to this decibel explosion).

Rajdeep: Oh please, Arnab, you cant be representative of India’s voice. In fact my own voice is so much better than your shrill wolf howl! Your channel is not watched by any one.

Arnab: Hey, we are the one who gave the exclusive Adarsh scam expose;

Rajdeep: yes after filed the RTI in Adarsh case.

Suddenly there is inaudible cacophony. And a fight breaks out between Rajdeep and Arnab. Eventually they separated from each other after much difficulty by others...

Somehow everything looks settled now, although the snarling looks on Rajdeep & Arnabs faces seem to show everything is far from ok.

Chawla: haha, but we are the real winners we were the ones who did the exclusive on Coca Cola drinking Nagin.

Lalli: (smirking) Yeah, but we are way ahead.

Chawla: What?

Lalli: Nothing.

Kalmadi: [shooshing everyone] Rajdeep, Arnab behave yourself I don’t think any of you can qualify for Indian idol with voices like that. Prabhu this is not the right time to show off your TRP’s. Lalli, I know you haven't been completely honest with me about sharing the spoils of CWG broadcast, but we will discuss that matter in private [again that sly smile appears on his face].

Everyone turns and looks as couple of the security guards enter with Deepak Chaurasia between them .

Kalmadi: Who is that? Is that... Deeeeeepak? Where were you?

Security: sir he was snooping around the gate with a mini camera and a collar microphone, in a very suspicious manner.

[Security exit]

Kalamdi: it’s ok, he is here on invitation, and you can leave him.

Deepak: (bashfully) Oh... heeeyy guuuuys. I'm here for the ermm... I was at the gate.

Vir: Deepak, you were supposed to be here an hour ago! What were you doing at the gate?

Deepak: Oh, I just thought. Since... this all about the gate why not do an exclusive on the gate. And look what I found. I have an exclusive theory, this gate has “made in china” mark. Hence, I suspect all this is part of Chinese dictatorship design to undermine our free media. I have even thought of the exclusive story “sansannnnnnnnnnnni sonewalon jaaga jaao, dekho cheen kaise humari media ko khokla karne ka shadyantra rach raha hai”

Kalmadi: hmmmmm you might have a point here. But we can’t anger the Chinese now, I have just returned from there and have already started negotiations with suppliers there for supply of building materials for Olympics 2020, in fact I have even taken advance. Btw fyi this advance is strictly off the record. [Winks at the gathering, again showing of his diamond studded teeth]

BDutt: [looking disgustingly @ Deepak] what more can you expect from this, IQ deficient, over the top sensationalizing cantankerous vernacular media.

This flips off Chawla & Deepak in particular. Again there is commotion with a shouting match between all participants except for Lalli who unperturbed with the whole situation, is in a state of utopia enjoying the delectable Reshmi Kebabs.

Kalmadi: Right. Well. I can see we are getting nowhere with this therapy thing. Perhaps it's best to call it a night. Just make sure you all continue to attend my coaching classes on how to face the public in the wake of outright public humiliation as I call it SYS. And yeah! Kindly note all payments will by visa-to-visa transfer in my Cayman a/c.

[Just than out of nowhere Amitabh Revi of NDTV steps out of the shadows behind the sofa taking everybody by surprise]

BDUTT- Revi!!!!!!! What are you doing here you blundering foooool!, this is an editors only meet. You Mallu’s will never learn that you don’t need to be omnipresent everywhere. As if we don’t have enough Mallu’s cornering the world. That you have even found a way to sneak into this extremely exclusive group therapy session.

Revi: but but….

BDUTT: you you you…the buck stops here..leave from here now….I say did you hear me?

Revi: but but…

Kalmadi [cuts in]- Barkha Barkha…its ok…lets give the poor fellow a chance to explain himself…

Revi: [with an accusatory look towards Barkha Dutt] this is all because of her attitude towards the Mallu people that this situation has arisen. She has always had a step motherly attitude towards Mallu people, the proof of it is right here in front of you people [starts sobbing]

Kalmadi: Revi control yourself. Go on son, please elaborate further, be quick.

BDUTT: [muttering under her breath] what a ridiculous waste of time.

Vir Sanghvi:

Revi: [with a look of gratitude towards kalmadi] thank you sir. As I was saying, did you notice the medium of expose of this tape?????

Vir Sanghvi: [suddenly with a voice of great interest] Ya it’s that Open magazine, such a nondescript entity. The name “Open” itself reflects a great amount of antipathy for the aesthetic. How can a literary medium with an external locus standi be called “Open”. … [And he wants to go on & on, but Kalmadi gestures him to shut up, which he obliges but not without a whimper]

Revi: as I was saying. Before I was interrupted by his Royal highness [shoots a disgusted look at Sanghvi]. It was the “Open” magazine & pray who is its chief editor???

Arnab: [unable to control himself, howls] your channel says, no no no India says it’s Manu Joseph.

Revi:[initially startled, but eventually composing himself] errr…..yeah! He is right. Did you notice the fact that he is a Mallu?

[A loud guffaw! Across the room]

BDUtt: but why is he targeting me???? Why me? I want to know why am I singled out. Blurt out low life..

Kalmadi: Barkha calm down. Go on Revi

Revi:[in an angry retort] that’s because you were at the forefront of the smear campaign to malign the great mallu son mr. Shashi Tharoor, not only that you were chiefly responsible for him losing his ministry. Add to it you were also in tow with our arch nemesis-the Tams: helping them get the coveted telecom ministry.

Vir Sanghvi [interjecting] and pray what have I done to your Malabari brethren. The way I have been targeted is totally inappropriate. It's lewd, lascivious, salacious, outrageous, egregious, preposterous." "

Revi: oh! You………. You are worse than her. In one of shows in which you act as a food critic you severely criticized our Keralite specialty Appam. Hell!! you even had the cheek to call it poor mans pancake????? How can the fraternity ever forgive you for that? Wasn’t it enough to collude with that blogger Fake IPL player in bringing down our hero Sreeshant. That you guys went ahead to wound the Mallu pride like never before. You guys are deservedly paying for what you have done.

As they famously say in Malayalam “if you plant a coconut tree, don’t expect that tree to grow bananas”

Chawla:[in a very thoughtful tone] I knew this, this is a Dravidian conspiracy aimed at maligning the pre dominantly mainstream Aryan media. If you notice the tapes have selectively tried to target only Aryans.

Again there is a lot of commotion and people jumping, punching, scratching biting each other like street mongrels.

[Kalmadi orders the security to step in and separate all the participants, physically]

[Again everybody returns to the state uneasy calm]

Kalmadi: Listen everyone. In this hour we need to put up a united stand to thwart our enemy supreme ‘enlightened public’. We need to do this now. Revi …go on son, tell us if there is any way out of this.

Revi: yes there is a solution…we have a list of demands which if fulfilled will ensure that this issue dies a silent & prompt death, and then everything will be back as it is.

Kalmadi: on behalf of everybody I urge you to put those in front of us. [All present throw a look of disgust but TINA{there is no alternative} kicks in]. Okay guys?????

Chorus ok sir….

Revi: to present our list of demands I would like to invite, super beautiful, super intelligent, super talented and of course Mallu- Superrrrrr! Smitha Nair.

[Smitha Nair from CNN-IBN, suddenly slides in from behind the sofa holding a fairly sinister looking sheet of paper in her hand, this sends look of immense surprise on all the participants face, none more so visible than on her very own editor Rajdeeps face]

Smitha:[ignoring the chatter and the sniggering looks]: Workers of the world unite; you have nothing to lose but your coir ropes..ah! a personal touch I have replaced chains with coir ropes. Because in gods own country they are stringer than chains [She seems like wanting to go on but is brutally cut short by Kalmadi]

Kalmadi: Smitha we know that your state is ruled by communists, but there is no need for you to do a Karl Marx impersonation

[This results in the biggest gasp of the evening, with a resultant murmur sounding like “he,he,he…..knows it???”]. Kalmadi says to himself “ah! The china trip sure helped me to show these buggers that I know communism. Although, this is about the only thing I learnt there due to being constantly hammered with this nonsense”

Smitha [composes herself and shoots a meaningful glance at Revi, who showers her with a smile of encouragement]. Here is our charter of demand.

1^st and foremost 60% of all channel staff has to be mallu.

Chawla: but most of them don’t know hindi

Revi: then change all hindi programs to Malayalam.

Chawla: but how?

Revi: you are the editor. That’s your headache

Continue Smitha

2nd Shashi Tharoor has to be reinstated as the foreign minister responsibility, BDutt, use your famed congress connections here now.

3rd Vir sanghvi to host an exclusive cookery show which only praises the malabari cuisine

4th As the year end approaches and you channels start choosing the Indian of the year. The event of the year has to go to tharoor/pushkar wedding, team of the year to kochi ipl team

Rajdeep: but it has not even been constituted

Revi:[interjecting] but still the award has to go there, we could have settled for kerala police football team but that is no longer in existence hence the award has to go to kochi ipl team, and yeah also the 2020 Olympics have to be held in Kochi . Continue Smitha.

Smitha: Sportsman of the year award has to go to our golden hero Sreeshant while entertainer of the year award has to be split between Mamoothy and Mohanlal,

[Suddenly the title track of Kaminey “dhan te Nen” starts bellowing in the background and as if out of thin air apparates a puny man wearing an oversized sweater and thick jacket]

Deepak: who are you? What are you doing here? How did you get in?

Sameer Phal [in a disarmingly cool manner]: I am the celebrity event crasher; I specialize in crashing any celebrity wedding, meeting, funeral etc.

To be continued

WEDDING CRASHERS- courtesy-GUL PANAG

To understand this saga we have to go to TWITTER the extremely popular micro blogging site.

@gulpanag tweets -Now to the beach. #goa 9:28 AM Oct 8th via Echofon

gulpanag@rajivamagi Soutth Goa! Far from the maddening crowd:)9:32 AM Oct 8th via Echofon in reply to rajivamagi

@sameerphal replies via twitter mobile- @gulpanag- which beach in south goa u r running on? i will schedule my appts in margao & beyond.10:40 AM Oct 8th via web in reply to gulpanag

No reply....:(

gulpanag tweets-Ok please suggest place to have lunch in south #goa . In the vicinity of #leela . Thanks11:53 AM Oct 8th via Echofon

sameerphal@gulpanag-try mike's place authentic goan/ fishermans wharf all time fav. btw it's my birthday tdy so i can treat u :D 12:49 PM Oct 8th via web in reply to gulpanag

gulpanag@sameerphal-happy budday!12:55 AM Oct 8th via Echofon

Sameer Phal to himself “whoa! Gul Panag replies to me,la! la! la!

I need to retweet this…wait wait wait..no no no…what have I done. I have deleted this. Bloody I am never gonna use twitter on my phone ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Sameer Phal to himself ”bloody stupid git, it’s not the problem with the phone it’s u”. I narrate this whole saga to honorable friend of mine Mr. Vikas Krishnia who suggests we should do something about it. I call him insane… Thus I thought the topic ends

Meanwhile….on twitter

Gulpanag tweets-Martin's Corner it is. Thanks folks :)1:01 PM Oct 8th via Echofon

gulpanag tweets-Looking for a petrol pump in #goa is like looking 4 an island in the ocean. Similarly , driving a 2003 Qualis is like steering a ship.1:07AM Oct 8th via Echofon

On Sunday... I gave my birthday treat to my closest bugs namely [in alphabetical order] – Alivio Faria, Dr. Manjit Singh, Vikas Krishnia & Yogesh Umarye. The idea of treat this time was a novel brunch @ Alila’s. It was an awesome experience and I recommend it highly to all those interested.Post the treat when only vikas and I are left I just checked my twitter account, upon vikas’s insistence.

Gulpanag tweets#InOtherNews waiting for bridezilla to arrive at the venue for her#Goa beach (#bikini) wedding. Thank God for the clouds.4:29 PM Oct 10th via Echofon

Vikas ” lets go and check out Gul, what say?”, Sameer “are u you mad, oh! you think she is waiting with a garland in her hand just for us?”. Vikas “abey! Eternal pessimist. There is a good 99% chance that she won’t meet us, but there is still a 1% chance of us getting to meet her”. Sameer “ya, anyways we are not doing anything now, and I haven’t been to that part in a long time, so let’s go”

So the conquest starts…..

1^st stop The Leela. We are about to enter and the security

guard asks us why we are here. We say we have come to attend a wedding; they tell us there is no wedding there & suggest that we should check out Alila. We say ”damn!” we were just there. We decide to head back. But just as an after thought…

2^nd stop- We go and enquire at Holiday Inn. Enter reception area. We are told over there that although there is no wedding there, but ya, Donna Sylvia is hosting a celebrity wedding.

Final stop- we are about to enter Donna Sylvia and the security guard asks why we are here. Pat comes the reply from Sameer “we are photojournalists who have come here to cover the event”.

Thus we gain the entry. We spot the afore mentioned Gul Panag’s Qualis, and we are overjoyed.

We decide to go and have a drink at the garden restaurant. And lo…sitting next to us a celebrity group consisting of Shiv Kapur [of the F.I.R & IPL fame], Vir Das [badmaash co.amongst many] & Imran Khan [aamir khan nephew & heartthrob of I Hate Luv Storys] with his fiancée. Now I am nervous and excited. While Vikas was insisting that I play cool.

Playing cool/also read as act like celebrities. I don’t really have a hang of it. Hence the worst act in the history of obvious ignoring takes place. Imran got up and just gave a friendly smile to us, which of course we dismissed summarily. Upon experiencing this strange phenomenon, Imran gave a warmer smile, this time we went to the extent of turning our faces away from him. From the quizzical look which followed on his face after that, I can hardly hazard a guess to what his thoughts were at that time.

Now waiting for the star of the evening, pretty long wait I say. Just then step in the real photographers, with fancy shooting equipment and all. And I am like f**** “vikas lets go home, before we are caught”. Vikas dismisses my suggestion categorically and strikes up a conversation with the photograper

[the actual one]. He now finds out that diva Deepika Padukone is present there too.

Now both-anticipation as well as nervousness are at its summit. Enter Deepika with Siddharth Mallya in the tow. Followed by Gul Panag, Kunal Kohli etc.

Sameer “I want to pose with Deepika….” .

Vikas “shhh!!!!!!! We are photographers we are not supposed to pose” ok.

Finally as photographers we manage the charade of serious event photography. Hell we even manage to get Mallya and Kohli to pose. After some time…

Sameer “Vikas I think we should get going”,

Vikas “yaar! its such a boring party & they are not even dancing”.

Me “WTF”.

Vikas “you think I should ask Gul for a dance”,

Sameer “all these people are sitting formally and you want a dance???”

Vikas “why not?”

Sameer “but that guy sitting with her looks like her BF, more importantly there is no dance music and nobody is dancing”

Just then... enter a hotel staff. “Sir, may I know which publication are you representing?”. Vikas tongue tied, I swoop in “we are from the Goan Observer”, the guy gives a very skeptical look.

Sameer “that’s a real paper; here type it on my phone in google, if you don’t believe me”.

Manager “that’s ok, sir. Let me just check and get back to you”.

Sameer “let’s run from here, as fast as we can”. Vikas looks pretty unperturbed though. Just then there is an announcement. That the bride will be here and everybody stands up from their places.

Vikas “anyways Gul seems to be pretty occupied, I guess we should allow her a breather”.

I say “ya! Precisely with -guffaw ”.

Vikas “wait the bride is here, we need to click her pics otherwise it will too damn obvious btw who is the bride?”.

Sameer “f*** we don’t know that”,

Vikas “how do we find out? Should I ask the waiter?”

Sameer “no that would be way too suspicious” …think…… “Ok! Let me check on twitter to see if there is any update”

Gulpanag tweets And @Sethshruti is now married to

@dan1shaslam !!! Beautiful#Goa beach wedding with perfect sunset:))))Sun Oct 10 2010 18:13:49 (India Standard Time) via Echofon

Awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks Gul.

Vikas” abbey! What’s the name of this bride?”

Sameer “dude she is Shruti Seth”.

We go up to her and suddenly from nowhere, after clicking some pics. Vikas leans forward and plants a kiss on Shruti’s cheek . Following that... he literally shoves a stunned me in her face. Left with no choice I follow his lead. In my defence, it happens in such a lightening instant that I hardly have any time to react.

The reaction on Shruti’s face following that can only be described as perplexed. And the one on mine was of bewilderment. After that everybody take cue from us and start greeting her [I didn’t dare to look at her husband Danish’s face at that moment].

Point to note: the wedding crashers are the 1^st ones in greeting the bride at a party to which they were not invited at all.

After coolly walking out of that decorated pandal.

Vikas remarks “Betalal! act cool, be confident”

By now the whole chain of events has reduced me to a practical specimen for study in body language, of the expression which can only be described as phobic nervousness. But somehow having experienced it earlier [that’s a topic which has to be left for some other time]. I do manage to compose myself. Just then out of corner of my eye, I spot the hotel fellow followed by a guy who looks distinctly like his manager.

Sameer “vikas, that guy is coming back lets just get outta here before we are caught”.

Reluctantly and after some pleading Mr. Vikas heeds my request.

End of the story: We got out of there safely, that’s the

singular only reason I can recount our adventure.

Anyways before I say goodbye, I have to thank Gul Panag who inadvertently led us to this adventure

I think I am a great singer [although a vast majority will differ with my view]. So here it is.“khilte hai gul yahaan, khil ke bikharne ko”

Our Internet Ghost

Your girlfriend is bored… and she has a job which involves free access to internet all day. Oh! How about checking my boyfriends e-mail account [the voyeur in her has already taken over]. She goes ahead as she knows your password- which the gullible you has given it to her on the platter. Surprise surprise there is a mail from your ex and it ends with a signature which goes- love you now and forever.

You are in an important work meeting and your phone starts buzzing like crazy. And lo! before you can blink your eyelids you have received 37 missed calls. You try to ignore it and focus back on work, by this time even your work people are disturbed by the continual vibrations. So after an elaborate facial expression of apology smileys & extreme irritation, you call your chhavvi's num. Just to confirm that no catastrophe has taken place. In time to be greeted with a volley of abuses and a promise “I  dont want to see your face again till I die”. 

At this point you are totally bewildered and the only thing you want to do is quickly wrap up the meeting and talk to your darling. And now you are left WONDERING........

Then there is a marathon one way calling session wherein your fingers go numb with repeated dialing of her number. After some time you lose that solace too, thanks in no small measure to the fact that she has switched of her cell. You try reaching on her landline, well it has to be her mom [she has never quite approved of you] who picks up the phone and adds a bit of choicest words from her side. The mildest one ranging from “I had always warned my daughter to not to go out with guys like, but what to do it is all our fault” to an outright threat to put you in jail or break your bones. 

WONDERING^2 some more.

You try to meet your girl, lure her with expensive gifts. Try to talk to her friends whose reaction ranges from a disgusting look to outright abuse. Finally some kind soul takes pity on you and finally the meeting is scheduled. And again you are trying to understand what lead to all this. 

Meanwhile your WONDER has risen to WONDER^3 now.

Finally the great meeting happens. There is a lot of heartburn, accusations, tears and a final bad bye with a curse that you shall never be happy in your life ever again. WONDER ends- culprit ……bloody email.

After that you vow that I will never share any of my passwords with any body. In fact you do an extensive research with reference material like DUMMIES GUIDE TO MAKING PASSWORDS STRONGER. It says ur password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph & a horn of an unborn unicorn

Kudos! Alas… you succeed in making a password which is even difficult for you to decipher.

Great END…..but that’s not the story I really wanted to tell.

My main point in writing this blog was what happens to all our email, Facebook profiles, Orkut profiles, Twitter Handles, LinkedIn profiles long after we are gone?
 We are extremely sensitive, secretive, in fact paranoid about our virtual identity e.g above serves to illustrate why?

Hence there is a very slim chance that somebody will know all our passwords or even know how to retrieve them.

Is it like a soul which continues to haunt the virtual world and never attains mukti?

MOBILE MANNERISMS

“India has more mobile phones than toilets” it’s not some figment of my imagination it’s WHO report which says this. What’s ironic is some people are unabashedly tom toming this as a great achievement for India. They are saying that this heralds the coming of age of the new superpower that is India. Talk about a case of misplaced priorities.
Well coming to the near and present problem of the silly necessary evil which has established a vice like grip on our life- MOBILE PHONE a.k.a CELLULAR PHONE.
If anybody had gives me a choice to reverse two inventions in the history of mankind- those will namely be – air conditioner a.k.a AC and mobile phone AC because of my pathological for anything chilly. The tales of which are a sort of mini legend, with my close friends but that’s a discussion that can wait..

Why do I hate mobiles?????…hmmm let me debrief you on that.

Work conundrum:

Office people- We salaried people have to own that proverbial “bell for the cat” whether we like it or not. In many instances our companies pay the phone bills so…. [It’s a SO which is best not elaborated]. Coming back to my point, when you have mobile number which is official. People related to work somehow develop a fool hardy notion that they own you. Hence there is no sense of timing when they call you; the utter disregard shown for the other person’s privacy is legendary. So work hours are flexi- and I am sharing this disdain in the least offensive manner.

Customers/ Distributors -When they call you they act as if it’s matter of life and death [guys I am financial professional, not a doctor]. So to sum it up when you have a mobile- you have only one life i.e work life. They call you invariably after your work hours, or when you are traveling or when you are in some meeting and insist you give a quick solution [what’s disdainful is that some people actually have the cheek to say that they call when they are free]. Guys please understand I don’t have telepathic connection with my office systems to give all the info at any time.
Oh yeah! There is another category: even during the work hours they want the system related info from us over the mobile, guys’ thank you for the love and affection you bestow upon me, and your insistence on hearing it from my mouth. But guys I don’t have any illusions of being a Ronan Keating and would be least offended if you call my office and hear the info from somebody else.
Effects;
Traveling- just as you thought the traffic and the sheer volume of traveling might frustrate the hell out of you, you have this persistent problem of people calling you when you travel. And somehow just after jostling with the traffic and hoodwinking the police you manage to make time, to pick up the continuously vibrating and howling phone you realize it has stopped ringing. Worse when you call back on the number which was calling you, the person refuses to pick your phone as his ego is hurt by the fact that you didn’t lift his call in 3 rings. The persistent anxiety and agony of traveling with this on your head is sure shot killer which compounds the survival challenge of traveling on Indian roads.

Sleep deprivation- you have a mobile which is supposed to be on at all times, so the good old afternoon siesta is like a chimera, the stuff you heard in tales but not possible in real world. Even night time, if you have foreign clients, their intellectual inability of grasping the time difference phenomena means you are always on the tenter hooks and peaceful sleep is an exercise in futility.



How I wish in my work [which involves a lot of field work], life without mobiles had been. You come to office- mark your attendance-travel without disturbance -make calls in peace-report back to work about your days work-retire happily to home- come re energized the next day. Somehow when you just had a land line to communicate, people somehow respected your space away from work and desist from calling at any hour.

Non work life conundrum:
Mobile drivers- Everybody in India when they sit in a car or bike have a delusion that they are Michael Schumacher/ Valentino Rossi reincarnate. Hence multi tasking while driving is something that has been bestowed upon them as legacy. Most important discussion can only be held while driving or riding, with your head tilted at an impossibly angle as it is rather unsafe to use your hands to hold you mobile while driving. You might kill a person or two after all how can a person step on the road while you are driving & talking- it’s entirely their mistake. Are they blind not to see, that you are discussing an issue of prime importance while driving. The tilt, well it helps in neck exercise you see. Any ways with this busy lifestyle how much time you have to stretch your neck isn’t it? Stupid….

Serial SMSers – thanks to these ever inventive gimmicks by the cellular operators. Now we have a modern day pest called serial Smser – the one who wants to vasool every paisa he pays for a package like 15000 SMS for 70 Rs . Side effect of this is he will keep on messaging innuendos. Most Popular among these are the forwards like-sardar & blonde jokes. And ok… you can bear with a couple or maybe 4 smses a day, but no the amount of messages sent by these people runs nearly into a hundred. Which results in depletion of your phone memory, consequently hanging your phone. Yes… Guys we know you have lot of money but is it really necessary to make us suffer by sending a deluge of these stupid sms’s?

OCD missed callers- well for my friends who don’t belong to India. We have revolutionized the mobile telephony by inventing a feature called missed call. Defined as a call which is missed on purpose. It’s our one point solution for all non verbal telephone communication [paradox supreme]. E.g. I will give a missed call and wait for you, I have reached my destination and here is missed call to announce that. Worse give a missed call at vampirish hours to know I missed you. Grrrrrrrr !!!!!!!! gosh… kill me Bela plz…plz do me a favour by killing me.

Cinema Goer Maestro- what if you are not a Mozart or Beethoven and you don’t have the privilege to play in an opera house, you can always fulfill that desire with your mobile instrument in a theater full of people. I have seen films in theatres pre mobile “revolution”. We had fun things that time like- wolf whistles, cat calls, dog howls. Ok! IRONY…. even though they have animalistic names they had an inherent human character. Anyways, you will still agree that it is far better than to listen to that than the electronic drone of a mobile ringing just as the climax is at it is peak [any pun observed is entirely co incidental]. There is only one feature of the phone which we are completely oblivious to is the silent mode. It’s just impossible to find it; in fact it’s a great bluff by mobile companies to mention that it exists.

Caller tune Campeón- these great people want you to listen to the feelings in their heart or what they wish to be via the songs which you want to listen while you want to call them in desperate emergency. Even better some people want you to know which company they work and what their company’s slogan is. Worse I have actually called somebody whose phone blared- yeh haath mujhe de thakur. Amusing???? Once..maybe.. Repetitively mind numbing [wanted to use some other word].

Mystery Magicians- Text “hi how r u? Guess who???, quite a regular sight isn’t it? By The Way it is supposed to be amusing game in which you are supposed to play a Sherlock Holmes to a cunning fugitive. And clue for guessing is the lonesome text which I have mentioned above. If you call that number there will be no response or that person will play hide and seek via texting. Grrr. If you thought this is funny then let me break your utopia and tell you. Get a grip guys I have enough things to worry over in my life than to engage in this utterly silly guessing game.

Art Trashers- As if it wasn’t enough that our uptight and hypocritical governments have banned its public display on big screens? Mobiles have further derided great X rated works of art by constricting them on miniscule screens, and in many cases shortening and distorting the quality of a fine product. MMS should be banned, as it clearly makes a mockery of a well endowed industry which has proven its fortitude in the worst recession ever. Even the legend Rocco Siffredi has remarked about the anguish which spread of mobile clips has brought him. A billion dollar industry has clearly felt ill effects of this mobile so called revolution.


My view is that mobile invention in itself is not the devil, but our use or to put it more succinctly, our lack of etiquette in its use is what makes it a curse.

Having documented my anguish over the misuse of mobile I don’t think this list is all exhaustive… so any additions or contradictions are more than welcome.

Nobody cares about your Death- Indian

Somebody died….there was no cacophony which is accompanied by chest beating and buckets of tears. There won’t even be a funeral …burial, cremation nothing. No…. it’s not somebody I went to school or college or work with. It’s not anybody related to me, nor is it some kin of somebody I know.

But it was very dear to me, I grew up with it. Always got a lump in my throat, it was within me part of my identity. My patriotism…….love for nation, above all affections.

When I read that Voltaire said “patriotism and spirit of nation state, is singularly the biggest fraudulent measure used by the bourgeois to subjugate the proletariat. The appeal to the emotion of nationhood and the unconditional love for country is nothing but a way to mask all of the ruler’s shortcomings”, I cringed in fact I felt a sense despise towards the great French thinker. But that was past ……

What caused this change? Amongst many other things it was.

The photograph of that unfortunate baby’s who fell prey to Bhopal gas leak the biggest. Records will show that it was killed by industrial disaster of recent time. In truth it fell prey, to the collective greed and incompetence of the rulers of nation.

It will continue to haunt me forever. It looked like a child who must have barely completed a year of its life on this earth, maybe it was of my own age, guess I was that old at the time of this dastardly tragedy.

What did it do to deserve this death? What did the scores of people who died do to deserve that gruesome death? And what about people who still continue to suffer till this day do to suffer a life, ignominy and pain of which is much worse than the death others had?

Hearing arguments put up by politicians and bureaucrats of that day and today. Not just makes your blood boil, it makes you feel a sense of despair. Congress spokesperson was an advocate for Dow chemicals which bought the culprit Union Carbide, Warren Anderson was almost treated like state guest on his visit to India; BJP thinks it’s more important to concentrate on Rajya Sabha campaign of Tarun Vijay (crusader who fights the most important cases like Aishwarya’s on screen kiss) also they took 1 lac [haha] of donation from DOW which they gave back immediately. His Highness Arjun Singh has again been unceremoniously dragged in another controversy [he was MP CM at that time].

By the way the way one of the arguments which has been bandied around a lot is the PM had no idea about Anderson’s exit, all the blame for it lies with the foreign secretary…ha ha ha. The politicians and their sense of humour. Just for the record the captain is responsible for the conduct of all the team members’ right? Him not knowing, besides posing questions of credibility, isn’t it an indictment of his incapability?

Yet it’s not that, what we should think or do anything about. What we are supposed to read, think and talk however is, how we have recorded a historic growth in IIP numbers, how our GDP is the 2^nd fastest for a big country, how vibrant our democracy is, how Naxalites are worse than Taliban and Khmer Rogue combined. How we are supposed to get a permanent seat on UN Security Council, or maybe we are supposed to limit ourselves to realty shows. If not that we are supposed to say Indian culture is the greatest ever, or how on screen exposure or talking freely about sex is the greatest threat to our existence. If not that we are supposed to talk about China’s aggressive posturing, and Pakistan having a nuclear bomb. But then we need to pat ourselves for being the only country to have such a comprehensive nuclear treaty with US.

Kudos! India Shining

Activists here want to highlight Obama’s statement that BP oil spill is the greatest industrial crime ever and has to be treated like a global calamity. They want him to take the moral responsibility for the actions of his countrymen. They want him to disown his compatriot and bring justice to people of India. Why???? Is what I want to ask isn’t he the president of US and elected by the people of US to serve them, isn’t his first duty towards his own countrymen.

And why should he fight for the people who are no more than a herd which is supposed to stand in a queue to participate in the greatest people empowerment exercise [general elections].

All this talk about your motherland is your mother, you should be proud of your country, lay down your life for it. Is just part of that propaganda which the rulers promote to keep us in their reins, glorious appeal to emotion. [Any wisecracks “ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country" just remember it is a statement made by President a damn smart one at that. Bay of Pigs…..]

Well we can go on and on but it’s all going to be an exercise in futility.

At the end of it…the bottom line well all my friends’ who are in service will be able to associate with it “you want it, take it. If you got a better option the door is open for you”.

How many of us won’t like to stay in Switzerland and Luxembourg, if there is no racial discrimination and we are surrounded by all dear to us? But alas! If only it were possible….

P.S- My greatest dream and disappointment is not getting into NDA, and preferred mode death was to be martyr who lays down his life for the country.

My Take- Saviour 4 Indian Cricket

The biggest scandal of cricket in recent times has been all over newsprint space and clogging our news channel airwaves [nationally as well as internationally]. It started with one man Lalit k Modi’s hubris and ensuing fall from grace. Modi as is the case with all his predecessors who thought that they are the lords and kings and god’s greatest gift to the world, got delusional with feeling of invincibility. That ultimately lead to a domino effect, which has brought his world crashing down in a heap. In the bargain a lot of skeletons have popped out of the cupboard, and has put a lot of high and mighty in a piquant situation. It has also brought a huge amount of disrepute to Indian cricket.

You don’t throw the baby out with bath water,right? although tainted, mauled and reputation sullied by all the slander IPL still continues a great product. Yes there are few, well a lot of things about it which need a complete overhaul, but still it’s not beyond repair.

What we really need is a revolutionary change at the top, not some cough syrup waala who will give “Khasi ki Chutti." The public of India is fed up of the pawar moves inside the corridors of a coterie called BCCI. Our “administrators” have to realize that they can’t be so callous to us anymore. You have played enough havoc with our general politics, but this game is too dear to us and we are too sentimentally attached to it. Enough is enough. If they have to salvage the situation the time to act is now & decisively so.

For me there is only one name which seems to be perfectly suited to be the this beast of burden, the messiah of masses, the real prodigal son, the saviour of souls, the incorruptible, untarnished, humility exemplified. Ladies and gentleman I present to you, the one and only.

JOGINDER SHARMA

Joginder Sharma has a few things in common with Kapil Dev. He plays for Haryana, can give the ball a mighty thwack and has the surprise factor with his nippy medium pace. Most importantly, he has the convention-defying streak that Kapil displayed everytime he played. Joginder bowls with a mixed action and can trouble the best with his lively seam bowling - like he did to Rahul Dravid, VVS Laxman and Yuvraj Singh while playing for India A against India Seniors before the Australia series. With two successive hundreds and a ten-wicket haul at the start of the 2004-05 Ranji Trophy season, he won himself a place in India's one-day squad for the tour to Bangladesh. He was back to the grind of domestic cricket after that series but outstanding performances in the next two years won him a spot in the squad for the home series against West Indies in early 2007. Joginder will perhaps always be remembered as the bowler who dismissed Misbah-ul-Haq in the final of the inaugural ICC World Twenty20 to cap mad scenes in Johannesburg. Sharma, India's least likely bowling hero, had bowled three outstanding overs for 13 runs, taking one wicket, but it was that last dismissal that turned him into a cult hero. He has not played another game for India since. This in itself is travesty unparalleled in the annals of history

He has all the requisite qualities that are needed to be the true great hero, who can eventually bring credibility back to Indian cricket. The reasons for this premise are as follows.

1. He is a modern day great.
2. He was the architect of India’s greatest cricket triumph after the prudential world cup.
3. He is modest to a fault,his 1st catch (if you remember his first significant contribution was Hodge c J Sharma b Pathan) if u play the replay, nobody had even realized what had happened. No showboating, no over the top celebrations, just self effacing satisfaction.
4. If I may- I want to quote Maslow’s hierarchy of need here. For me he is one of the few amongst us who has attained the level of self-actualization. This means he is way above things like-money, fame, sexual intimacy etc.
5. He is the modern day Gandhi as even after being showered by crores of gifts and every material thing at his disposal he chose to travel by train for a Ranji trophy match.Although he was robbed on the train but the calm on his face was one of –equanimity (ah! Swami Vivekananda reprise).
6. As for glamour, which Modi used to bring to the table, our Jogi is a dancer of par excel lance (reference- Chennai super kings video) but he chooses to be a dour self.
7. Above all he is a cricketer which every kid can look up to, ok not every body might have the talent to match up to him, but we can aspire [keep on trying Sachin-u will be there].
8. Above all he is said to have refused the offer of building his bronze gilded statue by Govt. of Haryana. [Govt. Of Haryana has officially denied these claims-I think they are merely trying to hide their failure], tha's austerity exemlified.

If I continue to list down his qualities given my penchant for prolixity I will end up rivaling an epic which will compete for honors in terms of length with Ramayana & Mahabharata.

He is the one and only who can emancipate us from this mess we have got ourselves into. And we should consider ourselves extremely fortunate to live in the times when a great man like him adorned the Indian blue, I salute you Jogi.

It’s time to bring back our hero [ha ha-I know it’s a tag line of a super flop]. Dharti ka lal udhaar karo!

Go Go Modi, Jai ho! Jai ho! Jogi.

NOSATLGIA

What triggered this whole upsurge of emotions and consequently ended on this page was a simple request by a friend to call on his landline whilst my cellular phone was indisposed.

Ah! I Remember those never ending conversations we used to have about the most trifling things. Also remember the frenzy with which we used to run to pick up the receiver before anyone else could grab it (now most of the time it keeps on ringing till the time the caller doesn’t get the no response message). I remember at my place how people used to frown when they realized that a member of the opposite sex had called( they even tried to spy via the parallel line, it was pretty embarrassing for my aunt when I told the caller that my aunt is listening on the parallel-it put an end to the spying though). Remember that nervous flick over to the watch when you realized that you have been speaking for protracted period of time (J.D. rings any “bell”). Ah! Those good old days.

But now we have cell phones which allow us to be in touch with anyone anytime (How the hell we used to manage to be together on New Years Eve on super crowded north Goa beaches, without cell phone?).

Hmmm…. Summer’s here.

I know when I make a statement that summer is my favourite season for many people it may seem like I am a knuckle head on the fringes of lunacy and call me . (Esp. As some reports are quoting that we are touching 100 year highs). But for me it brings the golden memories of the past.

I remember how eager and ready I was to run back to native after every school break. How with a heavy heart and a face that replicated death I used to return to school. I still remember the long bus trip followed by a very long walk which took me home. Well freedom that unfettered freedom that I used to feel upon reaching home can only be felt but can never be explained in entirety.

Amongst all the memories which swivel in my head. I recall the sorties to the forests to gather the wild berries. I also remember the patience bordering on fanaticism that was exercised while waiting for an overripe mango to fall down from the tree, hence give us a chance to savour its resplendent taste (climbing the tree @ that age was highly hazardous, a couple of broken limbs standing testimony to that fact. And hurling stones invariably ended up in an exercise called Save our Skulls). Another exercise which to anguish of many I indulged in was fishing; well to say that I am no Roger Ramrod is an understatement. They say statistics are like bikini they show a lot but not everything. Why do I say it? coz even with a record of catching a grand total of 4 small fishes after toiling for innumerable hours I still consider myself a crack fisherman. Confidence and self belief even if misplaced does have its value.

Summer.... above all meant cricket and a lot of it. The sedulous preparation for the summer season was always marked by air bowling and shadow batting. I remember those international cricket matches which were replicated in the courtyard with makeshift scorebooks (there was a method to the madness – we were extremely paranoid in terms of preserving the originality of these players as much as possible). How eagerly we used to prepare for the evening matches with all the kids and elders alike.

Anybody who has played the local brand of field cricket. As a, toddler is aware of certain facts.

1. Majority of the time the only function of cricket you indulge in is fielding.
2. You occupy presumably the most important fielding position way behind the wicket keeper (not bad eh! Note: that there are no byes or runs behind the stumps)
3. Your batting efforts are restricted to an over of inconsequential batting (4 both sides if you are fortunate). Bowled to you the youngest and the most peripheral member of the playing party.

As you grow up to occupy that position of that tyro (well wannabe player to be exact) your vexation is just starting.

1. You always bat last when the match is already over. You bowl to the tiny tots’ coz nobody wants to do that thankless job.
2. If by chance you get an opportunity to bat and the match is on line the fastest bowler in the other team will terrorize you into being bodily extirpated of the match.

But then you when you grow up. You get your chance of avenging all the atrocities committed against you. Usually the scores (no pun intended) are settled by meting out the same treatment handed out to us to the kids of adults who inflicted those mortal brutalities on us.

Still slip into nostalgia when I remember how we used to sleep in the courtyard in the open air under the bright moonshine, and then get up early as somebody would be hounding you out of your slumber to sweep the courtyard. As for meals even after racking my brains really hard I cant remember having meals without somebody coercing and pleading with you a 199 times to have them.

Gone is that summer with just flinders of memories to recall from and draw solace from.

I also miss that time when table tennis was played on the ground. When electricity going out at night meant a chance to break the rigmarole and hang out with neighborhood friends in the dark. When Saturday 9’o clock Amitabh Bachchan was a family celebration, and the break @ 10.30 meant a cuppa of tea to keep us all awake. Gone also are the days when flinging your arm over your friends shoulder was not looked upon with the suspicion about your sexual tendencies.

This whole memoir might not be my aesthetically pleasing or intellectually stimulating chronicle. But it’s a story which is very close to my heart and was dying to be expressed

P.S: There was a time when getting high “getting high” meant on a swing or a sea saw. When drinking meant “Rasna” (yes I belong to the medieval ages). When love gift meant “Archie’s cards and 60 bucks teddy bears” (VK ur friend laddoo). When your worst enemies were “your siblings”. When the only thing that could “hurt” were skinned knees (used to happen ever so often, that it started to not hurt after all). The only things that were broken were balls (toys) and “good byes” only meant tomorrow” (well usually it preceded a reluctant trundle back home after a lot of ranting and scolding by mom).

Seriously I can’t remember the last time I spoke to a friend on landline from your own home landline. And miss it badly. Can you?