Thursday, August 26, 2010

MOBILE MANNERISMS

“India has more mobile phones than toilets” it’s not some figment of my imagination it’s WHO report which says this. What’s ironic is some people are unabashedly tom toming this as a great achievement for India. They are saying that this heralds the coming of age of the new superpower that is India. Talk about a case of misplaced priorities.
Well coming to the near and present problem of the silly necessary evil which has established a vice like grip on our life- MOBILE PHONE a.k.a CELLULAR PHONE.
If anybody had gives me a choice to reverse two inventions in the history of mankind- those will namely be – air conditioner a.k.a AC and mobile phone AC because of my pathological for anything chilly. The tales of which are a sort of mini legend, with my close friends but that’s a discussion that can wait..

Why do I hate mobiles?????…hmmm let me debrief you on that.

Work conundrum:

Office people- We salaried people have to own that proverbial “bell for the cat” whether we like it or not. In many instances our companies pay the phone bills so…. [It’s a SO which is best not elaborated]. Coming back to my point, when you have mobile number which is official. People related to work somehow develop a fool hardy notion that they own you. Hence there is no sense of timing when they call you; the utter disregard shown for the other person’s privacy is legendary. So work hours are flexi- and I am sharing this disdain in the least offensive manner.

Customers/ Distributors -When they call you they act as if it’s matter of life and death [guys I am financial professional, not a doctor]. So to sum it up when you have a mobile- you have only one life i.e work life. They call you invariably after your work hours, or when you are traveling or when you are in some meeting and insist you give a quick solution [what’s disdainful is that some people actually have the cheek to say that they call when they are free]. Guys please understand I don’t have telepathic connection with my office systems to give all the info at any time.
Oh yeah! There is another category: even during the work hours they want the system related info from us over the mobile, guys’ thank you for the love and affection you bestow upon me, and your insistence on hearing it from my mouth. But guys I don’t have any illusions of being a Ronan Keating and would be least offended if you call my office and hear the info from somebody else.
Effects;
Traveling- just as you thought the traffic and the sheer volume of traveling might frustrate the hell out of you, you have this persistent problem of people calling you when you travel. And somehow just after jostling with the traffic and hoodwinking the police you manage to make time, to pick up the continuously vibrating and howling phone you realize it has stopped ringing. Worse when you call back on the number which was calling you, the person refuses to pick your phone as his ego is hurt by the fact that you didn’t lift his call in 3 rings. The persistent anxiety and agony of traveling with this on your head is sure shot killer which compounds the survival challenge of traveling on Indian roads.

Sleep deprivation- you have a mobile which is supposed to be on at all times, so the good old afternoon siesta is like a chimera, the stuff you heard in tales but not possible in real world. Even night time, if you have foreign clients, their intellectual inability of grasping the time difference phenomena means you are always on the tenter hooks and peaceful sleep is an exercise in futility.



How I wish in my work [which involves a lot of field work], life without mobiles had been. You come to office- mark your attendance-travel without disturbance -make calls in peace-report back to work about your days work-retire happily to home- come re energized the next day. Somehow when you just had a land line to communicate, people somehow respected your space away from work and desist from calling at any hour.

Non work life conundrum:
Mobile drivers- Everybody in India when they sit in a car or bike have a delusion that they are Michael Schumacher/ Valentino Rossi reincarnate. Hence multi tasking while driving is something that has been bestowed upon them as legacy. Most important discussion can only be held while driving or riding, with your head tilted at an impossibly angle as it is rather unsafe to use your hands to hold you mobile while driving. You might kill a person or two after all how can a person step on the road while you are driving & talking- it’s entirely their mistake. Are they blind not to see, that you are discussing an issue of prime importance while driving. The tilt, well it helps in neck exercise you see. Any ways with this busy lifestyle how much time you have to stretch your neck isn’t it? Stupid….

Serial SMSers – thanks to these ever inventive gimmicks by the cellular operators. Now we have a modern day pest called serial Smser – the one who wants to vasool every paisa he pays for a package like 15000 SMS for 70 Rs . Side effect of this is he will keep on messaging innuendos. Most Popular among these are the forwards like-sardar & blonde jokes. And ok… you can bear with a couple or maybe 4 smses a day, but no the amount of messages sent by these people runs nearly into a hundred. Which results in depletion of your phone memory, consequently hanging your phone. Yes… Guys we know you have lot of money but is it really necessary to make us suffer by sending a deluge of these stupid sms’s?

OCD missed callers- well for my friends who don’t belong to India. We have revolutionized the mobile telephony by inventing a feature called missed call. Defined as a call which is missed on purpose. It’s our one point solution for all non verbal telephone communication [paradox supreme]. E.g. I will give a missed call and wait for you, I have reached my destination and here is missed call to announce that. Worse give a missed call at vampirish hours to know I missed you. Grrrrrrrr !!!!!!!! gosh… kill me Bela plz…plz do me a favour by killing me.

Cinema Goer Maestro- what if you are not a Mozart or Beethoven and you don’t have the privilege to play in an opera house, you can always fulfill that desire with your mobile instrument in a theater full of people. I have seen films in theatres pre mobile “revolution”. We had fun things that time like- wolf whistles, cat calls, dog howls. Ok! IRONY…. even though they have animalistic names they had an inherent human character. Anyways, you will still agree that it is far better than to listen to that than the electronic drone of a mobile ringing just as the climax is at it is peak [any pun observed is entirely co incidental]. There is only one feature of the phone which we are completely oblivious to is the silent mode. It’s just impossible to find it; in fact it’s a great bluff by mobile companies to mention that it exists.

Caller tune CampeĆ³n- these great people want you to listen to the feelings in their heart or what they wish to be via the songs which you want to listen while you want to call them in desperate emergency. Even better some people want you to know which company they work and what their company’s slogan is. Worse I have actually called somebody whose phone blared- yeh haath mujhe de thakur. Amusing???? Once..maybe.. Repetitively mind numbing [wanted to use some other word].

Mystery Magicians- Text “hi how r u? Guess who???, quite a regular sight isn’t it? By The Way it is supposed to be amusing game in which you are supposed to play a Sherlock Holmes to a cunning fugitive. And clue for guessing is the lonesome text which I have mentioned above. If you call that number there will be no response or that person will play hide and seek via texting. Grrr. If you thought this is funny then let me break your utopia and tell you. Get a grip guys I have enough things to worry over in my life than to engage in this utterly silly guessing game.

Art Trashers- As if it wasn’t enough that our uptight and hypocritical governments have banned its public display on big screens? Mobiles have further derided great X rated works of art by constricting them on miniscule screens, and in many cases shortening and distorting the quality of a fine product. MMS should be banned, as it clearly makes a mockery of a well endowed industry which has proven its fortitude in the worst recession ever. Even the legend Rocco Siffredi has remarked about the anguish which spread of mobile clips has brought him. A billion dollar industry has clearly felt ill effects of this mobile so called revolution.


My view is that mobile invention in itself is not the devil, but our use or to put it more succinctly, our lack of etiquette in its use is what makes it a curse.

Having documented my anguish over the misuse of mobile I don’t think this list is all exhaustive… so any additions or contradictions are more than welcome.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Nobody cares about your Death- Indian


Somebody died….there was no cacophony which is accompanied by chest beating and buckets of tears. There won’t even be a funeral …burial, cremation nothing. No…. it’s not somebody I went to school or college or work with. It’s not anybody related to me, nor is it some kin of somebody I know.
But it was very dear to me, I grew up with it. Always got a lump in my throat, it was within me part of my identity. My patriotism…….love for nation, above all affections.
When I read that Voltaire said “patriotism and spirit of nation state, is singularly the biggest fraudulent measure used by the bourgeois to subjugate the proletariat. The appeal to the emotion of nationhood and the unconditional love for country is nothing but a way to mask all of the ruler’s shortcomings”, I cringed in fact I felt a sense despise towards the great French thinker. But that was past ……
What caused this change? Amongst many other things it was.
The photograph of that unfortunate baby’s who fell prey to Bhopal gas leak the biggest. Records will show that it was killed by industrial disaster of recent time. In truth it fell prey, to the collective greed and incompetence of the rulers of nation.
It will continue to haunt me forever. It looked like a child who must have barely completed a year of its life on this earth, maybe it was of my own age, guess I was that old at the time of this dastardly tragedy.
What did it do to deserve this death? What did the scores of people who died do to deserve that gruesome death? And what about people who still continue to suffer till this day do to suffer a life, ignominy and pain of which is much worse than the death others had?
Hearing arguments put up by politicians and bureaucrats of that day and today. Not just makes your blood boil, it makes you feel a sense of despair. Congress spokesperson was an advocate for Dow chemicals which bought the culprit Union Carbide, Warren Anderson was almost treated like state guest on his visit to India; BJP thinks it’s more important to concentrate on Rajya Sabha campaign of Tarun Vijay (crusader who fights the most important cases like Aishwarya’s on screen kiss) also they took 1 lac [haha] of donation from DOW which they gave back immediately. His Highness Arjun Singh has again been unceremoniously dragged in another controversy [he was MP CM at that time].
By the way the way one of the arguments which has been bandied around a lot is the PM had no idea about Anderson’s exit, all the blame for it lies with the foreign secretary…ha ha ha. The politicians and their sense of humour. Just for the record the captain is responsible for the conduct of all the team members’ right? Him not knowing, besides posing questions of credibility, isn’t it an indictment of his incapability?
Yet it’s not that, what we should think or do anything about. What we are supposed to read, think and talk however is, how we have recorded a historic growth in IIP numbers, how our GDP is the 2nd fastest for a big country, how vibrant our democracy is, how Naxalites are worse than Taliban and Khmer Rogue combined. How we are supposed to get a permanent seat on UN Security Council, or maybe we are supposed to limit ourselves to realty shows. If not that we are supposed to say Indian culture is the greatest ever, or how on screen exposure or talking freely about sex is the greatest threat to our existence. If not that we are supposed to talk about China’s aggressive posturing, and Pakistan having a nuclear bomb. But then we need to pat ourselves for being the only country to have such a comprehensive nuclear treaty with US.
Kudos! India Shining
Activists here want to highlight Obama’s statement that BP oil spill is the greatest industrial crime ever and has to be treated like a global calamity. They want him to take the moral responsibility for the actions of his countrymen. They want him to disown his compatriot and bring justice to people of India. Why???? Is what I want to ask isn’t he the president of US and elected by the people of US to serve them, isn’t his first duty towards his own countrymen.
And why should he fight for the people who are no more than a herd which is supposed to stand in a queue to participate in the greatest people empowerment exercise [general elections].
All this talk about your motherland is your mother, you should be proud of your country, lay down your life for it. Is just part of that propaganda which the rulers promote to keep us in their reins, glorious appeal to emotion. [Any wisecracks “ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country" just remember it is a statement made by President a damn smart one at that. Bay of Pigs…..]
Well we can go on and on but it’s all going to be an exercise in futility.
At the end of it…the bottom line well all my friends’ who are in service will be able to associate with it “you want it, take it. If you got a better option the door is open for you”.
How many of us won’t like to stay in Switzerland and Luxembourg, if there is no racial discrimination and we are surrounded by all dear to us? But alas! If only it were possible….
P.S- My greatest dream and disappointment is not getting into NDA, and preferred mode death was to be martyr who lays down his life for the country.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

My Take- Saviour 4 Indian Cricket

The biggest scandal of cricket in recent times has been all over newsprint space and clogging our news channel airwaves [nationally as well as internationally]. It started with one man Lalit k Modi’s hubris and ensuing fall from grace. Modi as is the case with all his predecessors who thought that they are the lords and kings and god’s greatest gift to the world, got delusional with feeling of invincibility. That ultimately lead to a domino effect, which has brought his world crashing down in a heap. In the bargain a lot of skeletons have popped out of the cupboard, and has put a lot of high and mighty in a piquant situation. It has also brought a huge amount of disrepute to Indian cricket.

You don’t throw the baby out with bath water,right? although tainted, mauled and reputation sullied by all the slander IPL still continues a great product. Yes there are few, well a lot of things about it which need a complete overhaul, but still it’s not beyond repair.

What we really need is a revolutionary change at the top, not some cough syrup waala who will give Khasi ki Chutti." The public of India is fed up of the pawar moves inside the corridors of a coterie called BCCI. Our “administrators” have to realize that they can’t be so callous to us anymore. You have played enough havoc with our general politics, but this game is too dear to us and we are too sentimentally attached to it. Enough is enough. If they have to salvage the situation the time to act is now & decisively so.

For me there is only one name which seems to be perfectly suited to be the this beast of burden, the messiah of masses, the real prodigal son, the saviour of souls, the incorruptible, untarnished, humility exemplified. Ladies and gentleman I present to you, the one and only.

JOGINDER SHARMA

Joginder Sharma has a few things in common with Kapil Dev. He plays for Haryana, can give the ball a mighty thwack and has the surprise factor with his nippy medium pace. Most importantly, he has the convention-defying streak that Kapil displayed everytime he played. Joginder bowls with a mixed action and can trouble the best with his lively seam bowling - like he did to Rahul Dravid, VVS Laxman and Yuvraj Singh while playing for India A against India Seniors before the Australia series. With two successive hundreds and a ten-wicket haul at the start of the 2004-05 Ranji Trophy season, he won himself a place in India's one-day squad for the tour to Bangladesh. He was back to the grind of domestic cricket after that series but outstanding performances in the next two years won him a spot in the squad for the home series against West Indies in early 2007. Joginder will perhaps always be remembered as the bowler who dismissed Misbah-ul-Haq in the final of the inaugural ICC World Twenty20 to cap mad scenes in Johannesburg. Sharma, India's least likely bowling hero, had bowled three outstanding overs for 13 runs, taking one wicket, but it was that last dismissal that turned him into a cult hero. He has not played another game for India since. This in itself is travesty unparalleled in the annals of history

He has all the requisite qualities that are needed to be the true great hero, who can eventually bring credibility back to Indian cricket. The reasons for this premise are as follows.

  1. He is a modern day great.
  2. He was the architect of India’s greatest cricket triumph after the prudential world cup.
  3. He is modest to a fault,his 1st catch (if you remember his first significant contribution was Hodge c J Sharma b Pathan) if u play the replay, nobody had even realized what had happened. No showboating, no over the top celebrations, just self effacing satisfaction.
  4. If I may- I want to quote Maslow’s hierarchy of need here. For me he is one of the few amongst us who has attained the level of self-actualization. This means he is way above things like-money, fame, sexual intimacy etc.
  5. He is the modern day Gandhi as even after being showered by crores of gifts and every material thing at his disposal he chose to travel by train for a Ranji trophy match.Although he was robbed on the train but the calm on his face was one of –equanimity (ah! Swami Vivekananda reprise).
  6. As for glamour, which Modi used to bring to the table, our Jogi is a dancer of par excel lance (reference- Chennai super kings video) but he chooses to be a dour self.
  7. Above all he is a cricketer which every kid can look up to, ok not every body might have the talent to match up to him, but we can aspire [keep on trying Sachin-u will be there].
  8. Above all he is said to have refused the offer of building his bronze gilded statue by Govt. of Haryana. [Govt. Of Haryana has officially denied these claims-I think they are merely trying to hide their failure], tha's austerity exemlified.

If I continue to list down his qualities given my penchant for prolixity I will end up rivaling an epic which will compete for honors in terms of length with Ramayana & Mahabharata.

He is the one and only who can emancipate us from this mess we have got ourselves into. And we should consider ourselves extremely fortunate to live in the times when a great man like him adorned the Indian blue, I salute you Jogi.

It’s time to bring back our hero [ha ha-I know it’s a tag line of a super flop]. Dharti ka lal udhaar karo!

Go Go Modi, Jai ho! Jai ho! Jogi.

Friday, April 16, 2010

NOSATLGIA



What triggered this whole upsurge of emotions and consequently ended on this page was a simple request by a friend to call on his landline whilst my cellular phone was indisposed.
Ah! I Remember those never ending conversations we used to have about the most trifling things. Also remember the frenzy with which we used to run to pick up the receiver before anyone else could grab it (now most of the time it keeps on ringing till the time the caller doesn’t get the no response message). I remember at my place how people used to frown when they realized that a member of the opposite sex had called( they even tried to spy via the parallel line, it was pretty embarrassing for my aunt when I told the caller that my aunt is listening on the parallel-it put an end to the spying though). Remember that nervous flick over to the watch when you realized that you have been speaking for protracted period of time (J.D. rings any “bell”). Ah! Those good old days.
But now we have cell phones which allow us to be in touch with anyone anytime (How the hell we used to manage to be together on New Years Eve on super crowded north Goa beaches, without cell phone?).
Hmmm…. Summer’s here.
I know when I make a statement that summer is my favourite season for many people it may seem like I am a knuckle head on the fringes of lunacy and call me . (Esp. As some reports are quoting that we are touching 100 year highs). But for me it brings the golden memories of the past.
I remember how eager and ready I was to run back to native after every school break. How with a heavy heart and a face that replicated death I used to return to school. I still remember the long bus trip followed by a very long walk which took me home. Well freedom that unfettered freedom that I used to feel upon reaching home can only be felt but can never be explained in entirety.
Amongst all the memories which swivel in my head. I recall the sorties to the forests to gather the wild berries. I also remember the patience bordering on fanaticism that was exercised while waiting for an overripe mango to fall down from the tree, hence give us a chance to savour its resplendent taste (climbing the tree @ that age was highly hazardous, a couple of broken limbs standing testimony to that fact. And hurling stones invariably ended up in an exercise called Save our Skulls). Another exercise which to anguish of many I indulged in was fishing; well to say that I am no Roger Ramrod is an understatement. They say statistics are like bikini they show a lot but not everything. Why do I say it? coz even with a record of catching a grand total of 4 small fishes after toiling for innumerable hours I still consider myself a crack fisherman. Confidence and self belief even if misplaced does have its value.
Summer.... above all meant cricket and a lot of it. The sedulous preparation for the summer season was always marked by air bowling and shadow batting. I remember those international cricket matches which were replicated in the courtyard with makeshift scorebooks (there was a method to the madness – we were extremely paranoid in terms of preserving the originality of these players as much as possible). How eagerly we used to prepare for the evening matches with all the kids and elders alike.
Anybody who has played the local brand of field cricket. As a, toddler is aware of certain facts.
  1. Majority of the time the only function of cricket you indulge in is fielding.
  2. You occupy presumably the most important fielding position way behind the wicket keeper (not bad eh! Note: that there are no byes or runs behind the stumps)
  3. Your batting efforts are restricted to an over of inconsequential batting (4 both sides if you are fortunate). Bowled to you the youngest and the most peripheral member of the playing party.
As you grow up to occupy that position of that tyro (well wannabe player to be exact) your vexation is just starting.
  1. You always bat last when the match is already over. You bowl to the tiny tots’ coz nobody wants to do that thankless job.
  2. If by chance you get an opportunity to bat and the match is on line the fastest bowler in the other team will terrorize you into being bodily extirpated of the match.
But then you when you grow up. You get your chance of avenging all the atrocities committed against you. Usually the scores (no pun intended) are settled by meting out the same treatment handed out to us to the kids of adults who inflicted those mortal brutalities on us.
Still slip into nostalgia when I remember how we used to sleep in the courtyard in the open air under the bright moonshine, and then get up early as somebody would be hounding you out of your slumber to sweep the courtyard. As for meals even after racking my brains really hard I cant remember having meals without somebody coercing and pleading with you a 199 times to have them.
Gone is that summer with just flinders of memories to recall from and draw solace from.
I also miss that time when table tennis was played on the ground. When electricity going out at night meant a chance to break the rigmarole and hang out with neighborhood friends in the dark. When Saturday 9’o clock Amitabh Bachchan was a family celebration, and the break @ 10.30 meant a cuppa of tea to keep us all awake. Gone also are the days when flinging your arm over your friends shoulder was not looked upon with the suspicion about your sexual tendencies.
This whole memoir might not be my aesthetically pleasing or intellectually stimulating chronicle. But it’s a story which is very close to my heart and was dying to be expressed
P.S: There was a time when getting high “getting high” meant on a swing or a sea saw. When drinking meant “Rasna” (yes I belong to the medieval ages). When love gift meant “Archie’s cards and 60 bucks teddy bears” (VK ur friend laddoo). When your worst enemies were “your siblings”. When the only thing that could “hurt” were skinned knees (used to happen ever so often, that it started to not hurt after all). The only things that were broken were balls (toys) and “good byes” only meant tomorrow” (well usually it preceded a reluctant trundle back home after a lot of ranting and scolding by mom).
Seriously I can’t remember the last time I spoke to a friend on landline from your own home landline. And miss it badly. Can you?

Thursday, March 11, 2010

AVATAR A RIP OFF OF SANJAY KAPOOR DEBUT

Yes my friends it’s not just the name it’s the fact that they have stolen an Indian film story too for the world’s most expensive movie. Well actually it was my friend K.C.(Kurnool Charminar 4 obvious reasons) who prompted me to think about this issue. He was happy that avatar didn’t win the academy award, what were his reasons ? only he can explain.

On my way back from my favourite city Margao, as I was traversing the lovely lotus laden lake of Cansaulim this thought just took the germ.

You sniggering guys who have difficulty believing me just have a look at the facts.

Disclaimer- I had seen the below mentioned hindi movie a long time ago, hence pardon me if Iam not exact with the trivial details of the below mentioned movie.

The movie in question is called “cult favourite” “Prem” it starred marked the debut of “sterling” Sanjay Kapoor and the vivacious diva Tabu.

The story goes some what like this:

There is a young guy who sees a girl and then starts remembering his previous life. In his previous life he is with the British and they are up against a tribal clan. Which happens to be a nature worshipper clan. He happens to infiltrate that clan and inadvertently falls in love with "chieftain’s daughter". Whence this, to prove his capability of being her suitor he has to appease the "wind god". Which as the hero he duly does, by excruciatingly crossing a bridge between two mountains in (the bargain eating up a lot of screen time). Then he also has to take the blessings from the ancestors whom the tribe worship, as god. And check this out, u know what they are called in the movie “jaraehwa”.

Then when the British come to fight against the tribe he leads the fight against them. In the ensuing battle only to be reborn and take a new life and live happily ever after with the heroine.

In avatar it’s a US marine who has actually sent to know more about some tribal clan on a different planet, who if you note happen to be "nature worshippers". Then conveniently our hero over here falls head over heels in love with the "chieftain’s daughter". He has to prove himself, again by pleasing the "wind god". In this case he just has to do it a bit differently, by taming a flying beast. When the fight at the climax begins he also takes the tribe's side. And hola! The ancestor's in avatar'case are called "ehwa". The movie culminates with him getting a new life. The same one, happily ever after one with the heroine.

Guys don’t u find the co-incidence in the stories a bit striking.

If you observe closely and if u just take out the rebirth saga in Prem and the visual razzle dazzle of avatar and tweak a few details isn't the co-incidence too obvious, to not notice?

Honestly guys (keep aside the production values and technological use chasm) if Prem was made in English earlier and avatar in Hindi now. Wouldn’t there have been a clamour saying that this is a rip off? And Bollywood directors have no imagination? Aping the west..etc etc.

You might very well quote the statistics of Bolly guys just plain copying their Holly counterparts, but I think even the devil deserves his due.

Here's my theory-

My friend KC…. avatar didn’t win an academy award this year because the racist jury members couldn't tolerate an Indian film double. First the name and the story-ripped of from pure Hindi commercial saga... too much. They gave Slumdog an academy last year because it was made by a Pom, although most of the credit was taken by my deshvasis. Another reason was India and China were the only two economies last year which steadied the world economy somewhat. So after the Dragon got an Oscar for Crouching Tiger, the Indian Elephant had to get its due and some share of the glory which we got in the form of SlumDog. Whether they liked it or not they had to give something to India ( some say there was a secret bargain, in lieu of academy awards India had to give up their demand of a permanent seat on the UN security council).

But this time it would have been too much for them to see James Cameron walk on the stage and in his acceptance speech giving major credit to Satish Kaushik :).

World beware: Well we Indians the new age conquerors out to overwhelm every body. First it was the holy American grail-Mc Donald’s. Whom we forced to make Mc Aloo Tikki (Ray Kroc must have definitely turned in his grave). Then it was the HRC belting out the favourite Daler hits. And now its Hollywood more so the hallowed Oscars.

At the risk of repeating myself, India is in a "Veni, vidi, vici" mode. Nothing matters to us now, poverty, malnutrition, unemployment, illiteracy, corruption, ineptitude... nothing.. These are too trivial for us. We want to make a name by annexing all the marquee symbols of the erstwhile imperial colonists.

Make your visa rules stricter, do what you can. We dare you, we will bring you down to your knees by sitting here itself. This is the age of re colonization. do what you can, but you cannot stop us. Our hubris is going to bulldoze the world.

Jai hind... wait a sec. Rajsaheb should I say jai Maharasthra. no? i will have to apply for the copyright usage? damn.. i will do it. in the meanwhile- it's

India shining. okay Advaniji...oh! Modiji...nah. Ok Gadkariji….thanks.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Ajmal Kasab the next CM of Maharasthra.

You bloody traitor, we hate u, treason.. throw this fellow out of the country. How can u say something like this, damn you.

Ok ok lets cool the tempers down and stop being at our jingoistic best (or is it worst?). Guys I have not made this statement just in the air, there is a fairly strong premise to it.

As you guys must be aware that a recent proposal from the maharasthra govt which makes it mandatory for all the taxi drives in Mumbai to have knowledge of marathi.

What load of rubbish where the hell is this guy going…. I have already lost interest now….

Wait...I am coming back, relax .

This whole idea took root by the incident which might on the surface of it sound very trivial but has earth shattering implications….

Well it was the news that ajmal kasab (oh! I have something to say about his name too but later) speaking in marathi.

Well what does it imply, that means he is an alpha or super citizen of india. As Marathi manoos parties have said citizen of Maharashtra or Mumbai or popularly called the marathi manoos is way above any other citizen of india.

Gone are the days when the first citizen of India was the president.On that….we’don’t have first lady of India any more we now have the first husband of India….though technically the fact that she is a marathi manoos might have some implication, I shall consult a marathi party on this matter

So lets plot the journey o Mr Kasab er or is it Kasav? the man of many names and faces. He is the modern Julius Caesar , “Veni, vidi, vici he came he saw he conquered, wait he came via the sea so he is more like vasco da gama, but he VDG is not the one for quote, ok lets keep this debate for some other time.

So lets start the kasab “whats in the name-shakespeare” fairy tale. He came on the fateful day of 26/11, shot a some scores of people down. well u see human life in India is pretty cheap* and then went to jail…like all great people do. Then he came out and became a taxi driver in Mumbai (qualification-marathi language). Thereon the taxi union leader,guts and leadership as well as organisational competency of kasab is well documented. Then he was patronized as warrior and fighter for the marathi rights, as you know he is already a role model for MP police when it comes to weapons handling. Then he joins any of the marathi manoos parties, well he gets voted in as the messiah who came from abroad to emancipate the oppressed marathi manoos. And then he becomes the CM as you know the marathi manoos party leaders don’t believe in holding a political post, so they need a face and who better than the warrior supreme who is marathi than the daredevil kasab.

Laugh if u like guys, but seriously tell me who has a better chance of being chance of being a maharasthra CM a north Indian Muslim or the Marathi speaking kasab?

P.S. To the topic of of cheapness of human life in India- Last year we celebrated, well actually we should have been anguished or dismayed, but we are Indians so we celebrate everything 25 years of Bhopal gas tragedy. according to Dow Chemicals which bought over Union Carbide( co. responsible for bhopal gas tragedy) a princely sum of Rs. 62,600 was derived as the value of each Indian Fatality. Hey by the way by some estimates this co roughly paid a miserly sum of USD $ 2 billion for cough related to asbestos contamination in America.

Incredible India! Indeed.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Obituary 2009

While everybody makes New Year resolutions, I always end up writing obituaries. I guess it’s a follow up from the days where at every function I was the designated “vote of thanks giver”.

Oh! that reminds me there was on occasion wherein a lady belonging to one of these feminist groups had come to give us a talk in college. Well after a hard day wherein we lost a cricket match in quite an ungainly fashion, couple it with a May summer day in Goa and add on the most boring monotone in history taking about some feminist movement. And what do you have-well perfect setting for a mid summer sleep. Well as I was lost in reverie, suddenly someone pokes me and tells me that its show time. After brief period of snarling and cursing I gear my self up for my ritual the good old V.O.T. and her’s how I goofed up. The name of the esteemed lady who came to give the talk was –Sabina Martins 4m Bailancho saad and I proposed- (a vote of thanks) to her by addressing her madam Sabina Saad from Bailancho Martins. Funny? Not nearly enough ,right? Let me clarify what the name bailancho saad means- it means women’s crow not the black one, it is like a cocks crow ( just to make myself crystal clear, as in the roosters crow). So effectively I called her –sabina cocks crow. J …..

Lost again where was I? Oh! here. I am a guy who is more at ease in nostalgia then in planning the future. Hence I suck at making resolutions. Well I was wandering again; hence I guess is taking me so long to finally host this post.

This year in my life will fondly be looked back as the year of convictions and sentencing. Wait I know some of my readers do know about some criminal antecedents (kindly note the sample 1 in my last entry of eternal best man part-3, may or may not be considered as an example) of my gang but I mean it in a more metaphorical sense. Convictions= engagement as in the sentence is set, what is awaited is the final sentencing. Sentencing = marriage, why is that has been explained by a myriad of great writers over the years so need not go to great lengths to explain the same.

Out of samples listed down in eternal best man part-3, sample 2-J.D- is convicted (well finally the no stalled @ 17, if any are added now they will be considered annexure). Rest all from 3 to 5 were sentenced J. You might want to know what happened to sample no 1. To say his year was tumultuous would be a gross understatement. I cannot divulge any more details as I have been promised that I will be writing his autobiography some time in the future.

This year was also a year of farewells when we bade goodbye to a lot of legends in my favourite field- sports:

Anil Kumble – biggest match winner for India in my generation (all u Tendulkar fans don’t mind I am fan too) stop squirming. This oak of giant should feel aggrieved and rightly so... for not getting his due.

Saurav Ganguly- My favourite football club is Tottenham Hotspurs and their slogan is – to dream is to dare, nobody epitomized it more than this guy. Thanks dada. For the wonderful memories….

Luis Figo- well he was a royal blagurana @ one point of time.

Leaving sports aside, from work perspective too this was a better year. Anything compared to the horror of 2008 seems to be a joyride.

Coming to the other obsession of India- entertainment, well let’s not gloss over the India TV report as to how voodoo was the reason behind Michael Jackson’s death. For me unlike what many experts might feel post the enormous success of 3 idiots, this year didn’t belong to Aamir Khan. This year belonged to one and only messiah of the masses. Guess……..who???….wrong. This year belongs to the great phenomenal KRK. His blockbuster might have released last year, but this was the year wherein he really stamped his mark as the true mass hero. “ I drink milk from Holland, water from France and tea from China “ have almost attained the Shakespearean proportions. I guess there are less people who know of the bards famous words in hamlet “to be or not be, that is the question” than KRK’s golden word. His highness the KRK is very humane, unlike all these powder puff chocolate boys, or the overtly hollow macho antics of our present heroes. Bigg Boss 3 finally gave an opportunity for this great star to shine brightly in before us.

Speaking of that show I for sure am gonna miss it. Another miss would be the MTv Roadies when I say it I mean, the THE ROADIES not the pathetic caricature which thought brawling on television and using expletives is a surefire formula for TRP success.

This year finally saw the long awaited home coming to Goa of the master dealer America Mumbai ( the initials are the jist, America esp coz I don’t many people have contributed to the growth of alternative industry in Big Sam like our comrade). Was a fun time when he was there as it’s always a roller coaster ride with this guy, provided his stomach is full. Barring that his crankiness equals Chinese torture.

All in all another year where I continued with crown of the eternal best man….

Censorship .. aargh! Has left my blog so saltless.