Friday, February 7, 2014

Totally Dead, Truly Alive

There is an ecstasy that marks the summit of life, beyond which life cannot rise. And such is the paradox of living, this ecstasy comes when one is most alive, and it comes as a complete forgetfulness that one is alive.
We see it with a soldier, war-mad in a stricken field having lost all sense of place, situation and in fact of his very own existence.
It plays out in front of us when you see a sportsperson so wrapped in the throes of his game, that it takes a good second for him/her to realize that the game is over & he or she has either lost/won that game. And when it actually does so often we hear them say “it’s yet to sink in”.
The cynic in us will feel that it’s just one of these "jibber-jabber" which people say as a part of media training. But the fact of the matter is, it does happen.
Call it an adrenaline rush or maybe in some cases sheer exhaustion by the virtue of investing so much of your energy in it. It does happen. You are so wrapped in the process, that the result thou important, becomes insignificant.
Now the question to be asked and answered is? Is this a singular phenomenon or does it happen in our life at multiple times?
The good old Chicken & Egg conundrum. Do many moments make up life or is life made up of many moments?
Eidetic memory i.e the ability to recall each & every memory of your life for me is a myth. Even if it does exist, it’s extremely rare. We as human beings are much more likely to recall highlight moments of our life, rather than the whole life itself.
I strongly dispute the statement about people saying that sometimes their whole life flashes right in front of them. More likely possibility is that the highlight reel of their life gets played in flash mode in front of their eyes.
So why am I writing on this topic now? What has turned me into this vain Professor Philosopher?
Well I recently had an experience which can be bracketed into the “ecstasy summit” (No Stanley I have not taken to drugs as the part of #YOLO) or “orgasmic” or let’s call it the “Zone/Zen” moment.
My First Scuba dive.
Filled with a million doubts & fears I dove in the sea (I was the first one of the pack to do it). After an arduous descent, where my trainer kept on chiding me for not equalizing properly, I finally managed to reach the shipwreck. That was the first moment where I was on my own without the trainer in sight.
The emotion that I felt at that moment was nothing other than extreme panic. All the training sessions, all the instructions just went out of the window & what was left was utter blankness. I had an extreme panic attack. Come about by the realization of being surrounded by a thick wall of water all around & that I could no longer breathe with my nose. For a moment I was resigned to a feeling of despair with the clutches of death ready to swallow me in its mortal embrace. 
But in that very next instant “#FLASH” it came back to me. What I felt then for the lack of better word, can only be described as MAGIC.
Neither earth to look down nor any sky to stare at. All I could hear was just me and my heart beats. That sapphire silence spoke to me. It told me, feel yourself it’s “just you and you alone”. And at that moment I actually realized my real existence. Never have I felt more alive, than when I was blanketed with the cold ocean water threatening to swallow me in its infinite depths just like the hapless S. S. Rita (on whose hull I was resting) & its occupants. The melody of silence that was singing to me was hauntingly enchanting in its sheer eeriness. The collage of myriad colors of various sea forms floating around me is something neigh indescribable.
 At that moment I was absolutely alone, yet I was an integral part of the whole universe & its infinite vastness.
Back on surface of the sea & exhaling again. The catharsis was complete.
Forgotten was the fact that I was back from the reverie, coming back to the earth with all its burdens from the Neverland. What we do every day as a homo sapien breathing in oxygen & exhaling carbon dioxide is mere existence. The drudgery of work, the plethora of social commitments, the sheer pressure of coming first in the Rat Race all of which reduces you to Zombie on a Auto Mode.
As my eyes took in the rays of sunshine, the vastness of sea & the cacophony of chirping birds again. I was reminded of the words by the great American poet & playwright e. e. cummingsUnbeing dead isn't being alive”.

Yes that was my moment of being “Truly Alive” and I could only feel it by staring at the face of death

Friday, September 6, 2013

No Country for Single Men

As all of my readers know by now, that I am a single guy. That should not be confused with a lonely guy Iam far from lonely. Single yes, lonely no.
I am OK with my marital status. I do not have, nor have I ever had a biological clock ticking inside me. Hell as a matter of fact, I am not even obsessed with watches like most of the people I know.
I have nothing against the institution of marriage. I would get married if the right girl came along, or if she posted a marriage proposal on my blog – but in the mean time I enjoy leading the life of a single guy. In fact, even in my ‘aadhar card’ application. Next to the word “single” that I had checked under marital status, I wanted to write “hell yes”. Alas! These Govt people I tell you, expecting them to have a sense of humour is like expecting Sunny Deol to win a dance show (but Nandan you too? I expected better).

Let me put it straight, I absolutely enjoy all of the luxuries and perks that come with being single.  

Alas!  The tragedy is, “being single” is looked down upon as not just taboo but an unpardonable sin in this country:

1.    As they say charity begins at home, so too the torture subjected to a single guy. Everybody who is any way related to you, will in every possible way impress upon you the importance of getting married.
2.    Any achievement. Car, House, New Job will always be followed with a caveat “ab toh shaadi ka time aa gaya’. Oh! God is it crime to celebrate your achievement as a single guy???
3.    You will be subjected to innumerable hours of lecture on how not getting married at the right time in your life will ruin your future forever.
4.    People, who celebrate the birth of a male child with fervor and mourn at girl’s birth, will start giving you a long sermon on how very few good girls will be left for you as you get older.
5.    Oh! Don’t even ask about elderly people in your know-how. They will start saying things like “Son I am just waiting for you to get married so that I can close my eyes and embrace the eternal bliss of heavenly sleep”. Seriously??? Err!  Correct me if I am wrong. In that case isn’t my act of getting married, abetment to suicide? #justasking

6.    Oh! Another thing. You will be continuously subjected to offensive homophobic insinuations. Forget about how insulting it is for a heterosexual being, but imagine how deeply insensitive & regressive it is towards the LGBT community which is already fighting against this stereotypical prejudice. If a single working woman, who has crossed the marriageable age, is labeled as modern, ambitious, promiscuous, haughty, cheap and someone having a loose character.  We males suffer no less. We are seen as potential molesters, eve teasers, rapists, pedophiles, gays and in some cases psychos, YES!!! This how we are looked upon. You see most guys get married and even those who have been divorced or widowed are remarried in a year or two, hence single males are rare to find. Media has portrayed all single men in the forms that I have mentioned before. Why can’t people understand that we are law abiding citizens who have just chosen to stay single by choice and are not a threat to anyone? Staying single creates an aura of mystery around us, as we pursue our interests and live a happy life we are bound to raise the curiosity of our neighbors. Especially jobless good for nothing retired senior citizens who have no other work are found wiling away their time in the compound of the building gossiping about god knows what. And our very sight adds fuel to their gossip, some sentences can be commonly overheard are “What is wrong with him, such a nice person and staying single”, “There must be some problem with him, some sexual problem or maybe he is gay”,”kya Zammana aa gaya hai, kalyug hai”. 

7.    At work we bear the brunt and become the beasts of burden, we are asked to stay back for longer times, work on holidays and take other people’s workload. Why???? Well you are single, what are you going to do by staying at home?? Better come to the office and work?? Others have families and children so they need to attend to them!!! My Question is, that don’t we have any life of our own?? Don’t we have any interests or hobbies that we want to pursue after work hours?? Have our married colleagues done some sort of obligation on the Society by getting married and producing children??? PATHETIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is what I can say.
8.    As a single guy everybody assumes that you can spend uninhibitedly, after all who else do you have to spend on? If you are a single guy irrespective of whatever your choice or taste is, you will always be considered an automatic choice any guys group “Thailand” plan.  Also generally in every group you will have a group member who has painstakingly, fighting all odds placed before him by the society and law built up a fantastic porn collection. But come marriage time, he will dump his treasure on his single friend like how we dump deleted files from the computer into the “recycle bin”. Which in itself is not worst thing that can ever happen :p

9. They say that British have left our country about 66 years back, but the prejudices & discrimination's they perpetrated are alive even today. You don't believe me? Here is an e.g. Apparently British used to put a board at some exclusive places which said "Indians & Dogs not allowed" (in a sense they were equating the indigenous populace with canines). This is still very much evident, just go to any nightclub as single male (the glorified title is "stag") & you will experience mistreatment of the worst kind. Most places wont admit you, if they do they will charge an exorbitant entry fee (@ 1 club in Goa they were charging a 1000 Rs for a couple & 8000 Rs for a single guy), at other places they might allow you to enter but a row of brutish bouncers create an impenetrable "Laxman Rekha" between the Haves(couples) and the stags. In fact this has reached such absurd levels that a Virat Kohli asking Tammanna's number in the Celkon phone's ad is almost branded as an attempted sexual harassment act by some feminists

A simple message to all the members of the society is that please treat us as Human Beings and not unsocial animals. We are law abiding citizens who have chosen to walk a different path in our life. We are not a threat to your women be it your wives, sisters and daughters. I understand that such creatures do exist but their habitat is in Delhi, Gurgaon and Noida. We are not desperate, being single has taught us how to control our carnal desires. No, we are not gay and queer, just because we are not married or maybe don’t intend to do so. We certainly don’t suffer from impotence or erectile dysfunction as some of you think and certainly we are not some lonely psychos who have become mentally depressed and are brooding and crying in their rooms. Our life is filled with activities, hobbies, passions and interests that give us immense joy.

And now to tell you why we chose to stay single. You see, choice and destiny are combined together.
Some of us come from dysfunctional or broken families, having seen so many emotional problems in our childhood, we have given up on marriage, some of us are once bitten and hundred times shy, we loved someone deeply but that person broke our heart and left us and now we don't have any strength to love someone else and the rest are career oriented who are not willing to give up their passion and get married. If Woman can choose to stay single in order to pursue their career interests, can’t we men do the same??

So for god’s sake let us live our lives, PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Rahul Dravid-The Circuiteshwar of Team India

How ridiculous an idea is this?

How can Suave, Gentlemanly and Proper to a fault the embodiment of classical old world cricketer be compared to multiple Knife-wielding, Eccentric, Goon Sidekick?

The one whose specialty is Extortion, Unlawful Trespassing, Black mail. Isn’t it a universe apart from somebody whose life revolves around High Elbow, Still Head & classical Cover Drive.

On the looks of it, this is a classic Chalk & Cheese comparison, but are they really that different?

Think of it, what’s Circuit’s most popular dialogue?

“Bhai, tu tension mat le apun hai na”,

Maybe not in as many words, but hasn’t Rahul Dravid personified these same words over the years?

Just like Munna could rely on his trusted Circuit for any eventuality haven’t we as the fans of Indian cricket fan sought comfort fact, don’t worry Dravid is there na?

A treacherous pitch, a match saving situation, absence of regular opener, playing an extra batsman instead of wicket keeper “Bhai, tu tension mat le Dravid hai na”.

He has done it all for the team, even without being particularly fond of it. Why? Coz you knew this guy above all discomfiture would do it for the sake of the team.

Hell, not many would remember but he even won us a match against South Africa at India’s most unlucky ground in Jamshedpur with his off-spin bowling.

He did everything we asked for and more. But he never sought to ask for what we call his pound of flesh. Even when he was the captain of Indian team, he looked like the reluctant king & in the wake off one of Indian crickets greatest disappointments he readily gave up that crown.

Our movies tend to celebrate overt flamboyance and extravagance; the same is true with our culture where qualities like grit, determination, team spirit always tend to get overshadowed.

Even then I have a bone to pick with people who call him merely a defensive batsman, the elegance of strokes, that sheer joy of that knee bent cover drive or that elegant On- Drive was imperious. That classical high elbow stance or that follow through wasn’t it sumptuous treat?

As he walks in to the sunset of his cricketing career many would remember his famous knocks.

His stirring bridesmaids effort on debut at lords 95.

Finally the hundred at Jo’burg 138.

The Masterclass at Headingly 148.

The sheer immortality at Adelaide 233 & 70 odd.

Maybe the valor at Rawalpindi 270

Sheer defiance at Jamaica 80 & 61.

Or maybe his role in the partnership that changed Indian cricket forever at Eden 180 on anti-biotics.

Tendulkar gave us the Genius.

Laxman Artistry

Sehwag unbridled Brutality

Dravid gave us something else Solidity & Reassurance.

Now that he is not there, what I would miss the most is that feeling of safety he gave in the face of greatest adversity.

Can you imagine an overseas tour without Dravid? Will anybody be able to stay on the pitch long enough? Who will come to bat at the fall of our unreliable openers? Who will be the safe-keeper patrolling the slips? When India is staring down the barrel it will not have the luxury of knowing that the man who has batted for the most number of balls in test cricket is not padded up to take the opposition on.

Brian Lara himself once said “If I have to pick up one batsman to bat for my life it has to be Rahul Dravid”. High praise indeed, especially considering the fact that the guy who made this statement could bat, and ya very well too.

Raju Hirani once said in an interview that while writing Munnabhai he didn’t think Circuit would have major role in the movie. But honestly can you imagine a Munnabhai movie without Circuit?

In much the same way who would have thought Rahul Dravid when he came into the team, would become perhaps the first name on test squad team sheet.

Like in some cases we would truly be able to appreciate the genius of the man only in his absence.

Kyonki ab, “Dravid nahi hai na”

P.S. As for the way he conducted himself and exemplified the spirit of cricket. It’s best to listen into a competitorBrett Lee - If you can't get along with Dravid, you are struggling in life.”

Friday, November 11, 2011

The Case of SMS from the Heaven

Science has gone beyond the widest realms of possibilities, things which are forefathers dismissed as flights of fancies are realities of today’s world. Yet there remain things to which we have no answers till today. Like a text from the Dead.

But Alas! This is not a blog dedicated to the serial “Mano Ya na Mano”.

Coming back to my story…

How will any body react if you get a text message from somebody who has already left this planet?

You will be shocked.


If not anything Scared?

But the last thing you will expect is to try to grip your chair for support, trying to recover from a heavy blow on your left cheek, which has caused you a minor concussion. Well this happened to “Mr Atapattu”

Let me introduce my hero/villain depending upon how you see him

“Mr Atapattu”

Although a namesake of the famous Ex Sri-Lankan Cricketer whose first few scores at the international stage looked like a binary series or the guy who called his selectors Muppets, the only thing that they have got common is their name.

I have chosen this name, coz in Hindi his name closely symbolises flip-flops and utter confusion.

Here is presenting you without much ado-his first misadventure.

This was at a time when Mr. Atapattu was still studying architecture in his college; he was in the third year of his 4 year degree course. Very recently Mr. Atapattu had started seeing and had gotten steady with Ms. Cranberry. The heady romance of the new love had given way to the routine of a settled relationship & the inevitability of ending together. Things were running on a fine fettle.

But as they say “a leopard can never change its spots”. A man can never say no to a chance to flirt.

It started with the whole annual day celebrations. Mr Atapattu was the ace dancer in his college & it so happened that the main event of the function was a duet waltz dance to the tune of “Baahon ke Darmiyan- from the movie Khamoshi the Musical”

As it turned out Atapattu got paired up with this saucy, petite dame who went by the name Ms Choco-Chip. The long hours spent during the rehearsals and the soothing melody of one of the most romantic composition of all time had a mesmerizing effect on the handsome Atapattu & the PYT Choco-Chip. They never realised how, one thing led to another and….

But as Atapattu was already in a rock solid relationship with Ms Cranberry, there was not much scope for anything serious to brew between Atapattu & Choco-Chip. Thus began this whole game of hide & seek and the SMS coochie-coo. Wherein while being loyal to Cranberry who was anointed as his staple diet, Atapattu also had a light snack in the form of this tit-bit romance with Choco-Chip.

But as they the smooth sailing in relationship is as much a myth as Chinese govt claiming the presence Flying Dragons spewing fire stationed to protect “The Great Wall of China”,

It was Atapattu’s birthday and there it was, an ultra-romantic dinner planned to perfection by Ms Cranberry: Ah! With the heavenly aroma of his favourite Italian cuisine , the soothing sound of the waves, with a gentle cool night breeze for company & the soft melody of Kenny G being played live on a saxophone, it was a moment of eternal bliss.

The climax of the whole evening was about to arrive, as the gong of the grandfather clock was about to strike 12. Just before that particular moment Atapattu decided to take a loo break [the one which he has lived to regret forever.]


Upon returning to the table the scene that greeted Atapattu’s eyes blew his mind off & sent him into a tailspin. The dishes were strewn helter-skelter; the table cloth had been torn to shreds. The beautiful birthday cake was meshed and vandalized beyond recognition under Ms Cranberry’s right heel. Ms Cranberry sweet loving pretty angelic face had been replaced by a face that resembled “Kali” the demonic incarnation of goddess Durga in an expression of rage unparalleled.

Utterly flummoxed Atapattu tried to make sense of the whole situation but failed miserably, he kept on asking Cranberry what was wrong? But she continued giving him I will chop you to smithereens look, instead of paying any heed to his questions. This went on for nearly 6 minutes and 32 seconds [At least that’s what the indicator on his new watch, gifted to him on that day itself by Ms Cranberry told him] finally the dam burst and in the midst of unbridled deluge of tears streaming from her eyes Ms Cranberry almost flung Atapattu’s phone which he had mistakenly left behind, on his face.

Still unable to fathom anything Atapattu tried to reason as to what it was, on his phone that had transformed Cranberry from Dreamgirl to Viscious Vamp?

Finally Ms Cranberry took the Atapattu’s phone and showed him a SMS which read “sweetest honey, wish you a very very happy b’day hope to see you 2moro”. Putting a brave face Atapattu said “oh! It’s nothing its’ just a simple birthday greeting.” Upon which Ms Cranberry pointed out who the sender was. This totally perplexed Atapattu coz it read Mr WHITE

FLASHBACK: Mr White was actually a senior of Atapattu & Cranberry, who had just passed away in a tragic skiing accident a couple of months back.

But as they say courage & intelligence are best seen in the midst of extreme adversity. He said to Cranberry “Darling look, this is the message from the heaven. Sweetie instead of getting upset you should acknowledge this act of God it’s a true MIRACLE!!! ”

P.S- Forever the disbeliever Ms Cranberry called the number which read WHITE. She put the phone on speaker mode. The dial tone started singing “Baahon ke Darmiyan- from the movie Khamoshi the Musical”. The person on the other line picked up the call as the second stanza was about to start, said instinctively “hi honey, muah! Happy b’day” Surprise Surprise that person sounded exactly like, guess who?

Ms Choco Chip of course.

Apparently Ms Cranberry had a sneaky suspicion of her indulging in some Namby-Pamby with her Atapattu & her voice on the other end only went on to reinforce the same. She went on to accuse him of infidelity towards her & said that Atapattu changed the name of Choco-Chip in his address book to Mr. White so as to fool her.

Atapattu swears that till date he has no idea how the person on the other line turned out to be Ms Choco-Chip’s. Ummm….BAFFLING.

But I believe him, and as I am sure many of you guys will feel the same “that sometimes people, who are dead, stay alive with us in spirit & this text is a living proof that people who no longer walk this earth can still leave an imprint for those whom they really care”.

And As for Choco-Chip’s voice on the other line, he says ……………….

U Bloody SCOUNDRELS!!!! Telecom Operators & Your CROSS CONNECTIONS…

DISCLAIMER: let me clarify it in Bold & Caps Lock –


Friday, September 2, 2011


Nasser Hussain calls a couple of Indian fielders DONKEYS.

Catastrophe, Blasphemy, Holy Cow, that’s an utter insult to our Nation. We should get hold of that scoundrel, who does he think he is? A bloody Britisher, even after we drove them out of our country in the most ignominious fashion, his nation has never got over the fact that they no longer rule us.

What Britisher, he is bloody traitor born in Chennai. Bloody M………………beep…beep

BCCI has decided to take this matter very seriously. Some Indian lawyer is going to sue him in the Supreme Court in India as well as in UK. RSS demands that he be extradited immediately and flogged publicly at the freedom park in Bengaluru [after all we have to show to the world, that we are no longer under British rule. Also it was in this city that they managed to draw with us in WC , damn!!].

How can he say such a thing, doesn’t he realise his country is struggling economically and that we are the super-power of tomorrow? Bloody moron. We want an apology from the English cricket board, nah! From the Prime Minister of England. Nah! Nah! That’s not enough we want an apology from the whole nation of England. How the hell can he call our players Donkey?

But wait, I thought that Hussain guy died recently right? Nah! It’s not that Hussain, this guy is a young fella who is a former England cricket captain. That guy was an hippie looking old painter who too was driven into exile by us.

Anyways, this is just in the wake of a privilege motion file by our MP’s against Om Puri for calling them Ganvar & Anpad. Before that it was “Teli ka tel- from Kaminey” right, oh! Wait after that there was also Billu the barber too [you incidentally cannot use the worder barber in India, u see].

Well the Businessweek report on countries went on to confer a lowly 125th rank to us in terms of the happiness index.

Really! How can they give such a lowly rank to the 2nd fastest growing economy in the world, the super power of the 21st century?

You know what those people are nuts, we should ban that magazine for calling us unhappy.

We as a nation cannot tolerate this.

We are the nation that loves BANS, CENSORS & EXILES

For every damn thing that is going to hurt our “SENSIBILITIES” we have already devised our standard operating procedures:

SUE – Err! Isn’t your judiciary, which is massively burdened and is amongst the most painfully slow organisation known to the mankind? so what?

Ok then we will go on

DHARNA or a FAST- stand outside the “perpetrators” house, hurl abuses, shout slogans, burn effigies.

Better still

BEAT THEM INTO EXILE: ypu see we are in a desperate need of physical exercise so this gives us a perfect opportunity to loosen our limbs.

Isn’t it actually quite queer to see that as a nation; Donkey by Hussain, Teli by Gulzar & Ganvar by Puri affects us much more than thousands dead and dying in Bhopal, millions starving in Keonjhar, scores being murdered and abused in Rohtak, lakhs being displaced in Bastar & Nandigram.

Ah! Those are minor & un-newsworthy issues, U don’t understand national pride U IDIOT!!! You are a TRAITOR U don’t understand the sacrifices by the likes of Bhagat Singh to give you your freedom, u have no respect for those soldiers fighting in that god forbidden Siachen to protect you.

Sounds familiar right? What does this show?

We will do anything but to enjoy the frivolity of it and laugh at it ourselves. As we are entering the era of liberalism and free market, which logically as is the case should have meant that we are more tolerant, more objective. But NO, we have decided to take a contrarian view; we as nation will now get upset and enraged with anything that tickles us a tiny wee bit.

You know what has been greatest achievement post independence – The fragility of our ego & sensitivity of our pride! don't u ever forget that.

As a society anything & everything which is said to or about us, which might differ from our idea of liking offends us.

Notice I have refrained from saying “anything that does not amuse us”.

AMUSE??? Err! Hasn’t that word together with its cousin HUMOUR banned from the Indian version of dictionary?

As I have listed out in my earlier listed examples, for whatever we have achieved in the past 64 years, we have killed one thing for sure;

So Rejoice my countrymen coz we have killed that bloody bigot.


P.S- Facebook has decided to disable the POKE option for Indian users, as it has been pointed out to it’s creators that POKING, JESTING or just AMUSING is a sacrilege in India. And will lead to total a ban on Facebook in India.

U have no idea who you are dealing with Zuckerberg

Monday, April 4, 2011

"Tears of Joy"

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness but of power. They are messengers of overwhelming grief and of unspeakable love."

Most of you’ll who are reading this must have seen the iconic serial ‘Friends’. Yeah! We are a generation which more or less grew up with that American sitcom. In that there is an episode where one of the characters ‘Chandler’ is shown to be emotion less, that’s coz he never cried while watching any sad movies.

I have built up a similar reputation. Most of the movies & senti videos which make people burst into tears have no effect on me whatsoever [similar case with horror movies, hence I am always struck off a horror movie watching list].

But April 2nd 10:55ish pm was different. Yes I was overwhelmed, & yes I cried with real tears, & no I am not embarrassed to say so.

Was it the flood of all painful memories?

96 and our hara-kiri @ Eden. Maybe I was too young to understand the nitty gritties of deteriorating pitch, but I remember the pain that loss gave

99 it was the Australians who extinguished the campaign which was built on the holy trinity of Tendulkar, Dravid & Ganguly.

2003 The shocker of Zaheers first over and the torturous unending death delivered by Ponting & co

2007 the ultimate ignominy of in the form of humiliation meted out to us by being ousted in the 1st round itself

Was it a reaction to all the taunts & jeers endured over the years about what a useless waste it was? To waste time & energy on a loser side?

I can’t really explain…….

What I can explain is the sequence of events

I battled with them when Yuvraj was crying his yes, out; I battled with them when the whole team descended on MS & him like a group of honey bees on a comb.

But none of my defenses were strong enough to prevent the deluge of tears when I saw “the little man”, come tearing on the ground with a triumphant smile, but moistness in his eyes. I just couldn’t do it…..

I don’t know why?

Maybe coz since the time I have begun to understand the vagaries of this world that “little man” has been my hero? His triumphs and sorrows have affected me personally without being mine? Or was it just the relief that finally that asterix in front of his name which said he is not a world champion will no longer be there?

Whatever it is? If ever there is a living proof of the expression “Tears of Joy” that was it


My friend Jason said on twitter says “just say "job well done" seriously wtf”.

I want to say to him. Dude if it is really that simple how do you really explain? One of the most deeply divided country in the midst of inglorious phase of utter negativity [momentarily maybe] forgetting all their worries, trials, tribulations. Rejoices in one voice…as if all their life’s prayers had come true in that very instant.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Indian Roads a Russian Roulette

The other day I sent my office boy to pick up an important application from Margao. This was his first ever experience of riding on a highway [he lives in Panjim & had never been outside the city on his own]. After he came back, he told me he had a small accident with somebody bumping his bike from behind while he was changing his lane. Upon my enquiry, I found that it was entirely his folly.

After chastising him, I asked him how he didn’t see the approaching vehicle in his rear view mirror? To that he replied saying he didn’t have any. Upon me asking “Why?” His twin word answer was “Isshtylle, sir”.

FLASHBCK: Circa 2002 I had asked the same question about rear view mirror or rather absence of it to my friend Rohan Subhedar [note the relation of his surname to military nomenclature is entirely perfunctory]. And his answer was “dude it spoils the aerodynamics of my bike”

Gob smacked, Tizzy, Mind F@#$%D….

On the brighter side it acted as an inspiration for this blog of mine.

Travelling on Our Roads is an almost hallucinatory potion of sound, spectacle and experience. It is frequently heart-rending, sometimes hilarious, mostly exhilarating, and always unforgettable— and, when you are on the roads, extremely dangerous

Here is my humble attempt to script a charter based on my observations of traffic in India


The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.

Our traffic, like Our society, is structured on a strict caste system. The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In descending order, give way to:

Cows, heavy trucks, buses, official cars, dogs, light trucks, buffalo, jeeps, ox-carts, private cars, motorcycles, scooters, auto-rickshaws, pigs, goats, bicycles (goods-carrying), handcarts, bicycles (passenger-carrying), pedestrians.

All vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim: to slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat. This is our drivers’ mantra.

Use of horn:

Cars (4, 1, a-c):
Short blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, IE in clearing dogs, rickshaws and pedestrians from path.

Long blasts (desperate) denote supplication, I.E. to oncoming truck: “I am going too fast to stop, so unless you slow down we shall both die”. In extreme cases this may be accompanied by flashing of headlights (frantic).

Single blast (casual) means: “I have seen someone out of India’s 1 billion whom I recognise”, “There is a bird in the road (which at this speed could go through my windscreen)” or “I have not blown my horn for several minutes” or while passing across a place of worship “Hieeee!!! God fellow, yo!!!”

Trucks and buses (4,2,a):
All horn signals have the same meaning, viz: “I have an all-up weight of approximately 12.5 tons and have no intention of stopping, even if I could.” This signal may be emphasised by the use of headlamps.

All manoeuvres, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until the last possible moment

Rights of way:
Traffic entering a road from the left has priority. So has traffic from the right, and also traffic in the middle. We need to personify the legendary words of our super star Amitabh Bachchan “hum jahaa Khade hote hai, line wahi se shuru hoti hai”


Lane discipline:
All Our traffic at all times and irrespective of direction of travel shall occupy the centre of the road.

Roundabouts/traffic circles: India has no roundabouts. Apparent traffic islands in the middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any other impression should be ignored.

Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to overtake every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has just overtaken you.

Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable conditions, such as in the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends, at junctions and in the middle of villages/city centres. No more than two inches should be allowed between your vehicle and the one you are passing — and one inch in the case of bicycles or pedestrians.

RULE 10:

Night Driving: Should always be done at full beam after all , as the golden old melody says “sir katta sakte hai lekin, sir jhuka sakte nahin”. So “DIPPER”-WTF is that?

RULE 11:

Indicators: Showing light to channel another individuals direction is best left to Gurus, Pandits, Maulvis and other god men. Normal individual shall refrain from this blasphemous act.

RULE 12: Crossing the road without checking in both directions is akin to committing suicide. Mind you: I am taking about a – “One Way Road”.

RULE 13: It’s baffling to know why India doesn’t have world class sprinters, especially when you see people running across the road just when a vehicle is about to cross. What better form of practice then to give death a near miss.

RULE 14: Kindly note that the most important conversations in person as well as telephonic happen on the middle of our roads. So if you have somebody glaring at you, it’s because you are being a nuisance to their discussions

RULE 15:
Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash, hence sacrilegious act of wearing a helmet or a seat belt be best avoided [unless of course, you want to wear your helmet on your hand for decorative purposes].


Our Professor Sundaram used to always say "life in India is a matter of chance". Well, travelling on our roads does nothing to contradict that premise.

These are my observations I am pretty sure a lot of you will have many more to add to my 15 rules. Feel free to do so…